... and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation," Pray for me! Pray for me !" ~~~~~~ A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer" Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said ... " Wait a minute," How come you called God," Harold "? The little boy looked up and said," That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say," Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name" ~~~~~~~ And this particular four-year-old prayed: ... Childern's Prayers One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was" acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way ...

... sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, ... speak Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath," Pray !" The ... parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot ...

... them? Nancy Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok? Neil Dear God I like the Lords prayer best of all. Did you have to write it alot or did you get it right the first time? I have to write everything I ever write over ... questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We still have just all the old ones. Johny Dear God ... kinds. Well I guess I said a mouthful. Goodby. Always a friend, Simon Dear God, I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying. Elliott Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the world There are ony 4 people in our family and ...

... task. The pastor wanted him to say the benediction at the end of the service. The new convert protested and said," Pastor, I've never been to church in my life. How am I supposed to know how to pray in public in only the second church service I've ever attended. The preacher said," That's OK. I have a plan. I've written you a prayer you can read. Just sit back here on the back row next to the ... First Time Prayer A man came to church for the very first time in his life. He heard a sermon that really tugged at his heart strings and felt the need to answer the invitation to become a Christian. When he shared his story about never having attended church the preacher thought surely the new convert was someone special. The preacher urged the man to come back that night to take part in the evening service. When the man arrived the preacher told the man ...

... A Cowboy's Prayer Jake the rancher went one day to fix a distant fence. The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow. When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart. From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start. So Jake did what most of us would do if we'd ... meter. So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three Nobody was keepin ' score-in Heaven time is free." I've always heard ," Jake said to Pete," that God will answer prayers." But the one time that I asked for help, He just plain wasn't there." Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others?" That don't seem exactly square-I know all men are ...

... A Cowboy's Prayer Jake the rancher went one day to fix a distant fence. The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow. When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart. From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start. So Jake did what most of us would do if we'd ... meter. So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three Nobody was keepin ' score-in Heaven time is free." I've always heard ," Jake said to Pete," that God will answer prayers." But the one time that I asked for help, He just plain wasn't there." Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others?" That don't seem exactly square-I know all men are ...

... . But Pastor Spicknal had a silver tongue and could talk the devil out of his pitchfork. So it was a small matter for him to persuade Miss Swickey to direct. She closed her eyes for a moment and uttered a silent prayer for strength. Then, once again, she leaped into the fray." Now children, we only have another hour or so to get this right ," she said, clapping her hands for attention." All your parents will out ... pageant this church ever had ," he said." Congratulations. I take it that you did what I told you to do"" Yes, Pastor. I did. It worked real well. And thanks for helping me by praying, too"" It wasn't me ," the pastor said." Your help came from an entirely different source"" What do you mean ?"" Young Homer, there. He was so worried about not being able to say frankincense ...

... Kitty Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For window sills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled ... Kitty Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For window sills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled ...

... A Single Woman's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to ... A Single Woman's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to ...

... them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to ... smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers"" God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime"" God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there ...

... Power of Prayer In a small Texas town, a new tavern business started constructing a building in which to open up a bar. The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up until the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church ... ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented." I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer ...

... . Tacoma ** Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota ** Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City ** Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. ... ** Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh ** Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena ** Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher ...

... Fathers Then and Now... Fathers of 1909 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1909, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1909, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. In 1909, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today ... Fathers Then and Now... Fathers of 1909 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1909, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1909, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan. In 1909, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today ...

... -Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. Draw Play-What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Halftime-The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer-Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion-Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket-What happens to a lot of money that should be given to ... The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option-The decision of 50 %of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz-The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Ponder Paraprosdokians Examples Office Posters We'd Like To See Good Son Computer Woman Excuses For Sleeping Actual Excerpts Why Thoughts Eating Worms JOKE JESTER 02 On-going Really Bad Day Age Before Beauty Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care Why I Love Mom A Cowboys Prayer Importance Of Proofreading Real Story -The Three Bears Football Entrance Exam Keeping It Simple Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder Celebrating Christmas Porsche An Ounce Of Prevention KIDS KORNER 08 On-going Grandchildern Think About It Prodigal Son -Key Of -F Signs Technology Has Taken Over Your ... Cream Golf Quotes Casual Day How To Tell If You're A High-tech Redneck Where To Play Golf If You Love Somebody True Floridian Monica Cartoon Laws Newlywed Problem A Rider Cajun Ten Ccommandments Electronic Parish Can't We Feed Bears Pastoral Good News'bad News Child Prayers Free Cat On Line Quotables A Woman's Random Thoughts Serious Misunderstanding Mothers Job Description What Is Love Australia Factoids Psych Support Group Church Football To My Dear Friend (Pastors Letter) Rules For Kids Weather Forecast The Diary Of A Snow Shoveler Oath Of ...

... Wisdom Revealed Dog Lovers 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter Some Days I Wonder Juan The Smuggler Politics Explained Valentine's Facts Talented Rat My Logical Deductions Dumbest People Ever Turned Into A Mom When Truths For Adults Quality Assurance Highest Priority Patience Prayer New Drugs On The Market Three Tough Mice Salary Theorem Proof Christmas Downsizing Unusual Food -Drug Interaction How Cold Was It How Cold Is It Chocolate Is A Vegetable Turkey Talk Line Husband Pleases Wife Wife Going Deaf Sea Burial Famous Last Words Senior Citizen ... See Come In Coffee Addict College Dictionary Cleaning Poem Classroom Justice Class Reunions Clarification Of The Corporate Structure Church Steeple Church Signs Church Improvements Church Chain Of Command Church Football Church Bloopers Choir Proficiency Test Christmas Lights Childs Sermon Childs Bill Of Rights Child Prayers Child's Cowboy Boots Check'up Catholic Horses Catholic Dictionary Catholic Community Cat Resolutions Cat Person Cat Quiz Cat Laws Cat In Heaven Cat Food Castaway Cat's Computer Dictionary Carnival Prize Winning Canada Camping Guidelines Camping -Part3 Camping -Seeing Stars Camping -Part2 Californians Camping -Part1 Buy A ...

... 16 On-going KIDS KORNER 17 On-going KIDS KORNER 18 On-going KIDS KORNER 19 On-going KIDS KORNER 20 On-going KIDS KORNER 21 On-going KIDS KORNER 22 On-going LBD Conspiracy The F Word A Bachelors Kitchen Guide A Change In Plans A Computer Christmas A Cowboys Prayer (Humorous Poem) A Cowboys Prayer A Cowgirl A Daily Survival Kit A Debt Free Holiday A Dieters Christmas A Dogs Letters To God A Dogs Life A Dummies Guide A Female Looks In The Mirror A Few Of My Favorite Things A Flare ... Carnival Prize Winning Cartoon Laws Castaway Casual Day Cat's Computer Dictionary Cat Food Cat In Heaven Cat Laws Cat Person Cat Quiz Cat Resolutions Catholic Community Catholic Dictionary Catholic Horses Celebrating Christmas Change A Light Bulb Check'up Chewing On Chores Child's Cowboy Boots Child Prayers Childern As Pets Childs Bill Of Rights Childs Sermon Chocolate Is A Vegetable Choir Director -Pastor Choir Proficiency Test Christmas Downsizing Christmas Humor Christmas Lights Christmas Questions Church Bloopers Church Chain Of Command Church Football Church Humor Church Hymns -Extra Money Church Improvements Church Signs ...

... use it in. Analogies in a sermon sometimes fit like feathers on a snake. Murphy must have been a preacher, but at least he was an optimist. When you lose your place in your sermon notes, a well placed prayer can help distract the congregation and give you time to get things back on track. If you have repeated yourself more than three times in a given sermon it is time to quit. Have a good opening point. Have a good closing ... is capable of being a Pharisee from time to time. The purpose of a great sermon is to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable. The latter is preferable to the former. No matter how hard you have studied and prayed, some sermons seem to barely get out of your mouth before they drop on the floor in front of the first pew. Whatever scripture you quote and whatever your sermon outline, remember that your verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. ...

... cried." I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them !" It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved." A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it !" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form ... hot days. So the rabbi prayed again" Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong !" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill." I told you I was right !" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The ...

... grant me one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord !" That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:" Dear God, bless this food which I am about to receive" [Author Unknown-from Harold] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... , landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move." oh, Lord," the preacher prayed," I'm sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord !" That very instant the ...

... . why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that ... day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a" honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light ...

... he cried." I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them !" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved." A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it !" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form ... hot days. So the minister prayed again:" Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign !" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill." I told you I was right !" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened ...

... the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says," Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. (Your PUN for the day-and hopefully a smile.) [Author ... " That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said." Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says," Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. ( ...

... pleased with the dogs performance, he then says to the dog:" Heel" Immediately, the dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the husband's forehead and then bows his head in prayer." Oh look !" the wife exclaims." He's Pentecostal !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Praying Dog and Boy Religious Puppies A Baptist couple decided that they wanted to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice a sign in the pet shop advertising" Christian Puppies" Their interest piqued, they go inside." How do you know they're Christian puppies ?" they ask the store owner." Watch ," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says," Fetch the Bible" The dog immediately ...

... Pope and the Lord's Prayer After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says," What can I do?" The Colonel says," I need you to change the Lord's prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread ' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican" The Pope replies," I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words" The Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales the Colonel panics and calls again." Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread ' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken" This time the Pope responds," ...

... . Tuesday at 4: 00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so. Thursday night-Potluck supper-prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They ...

... Golf Prayer A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that just out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick. One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said," WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW BALL" He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that ...

... Things Learned at Bible School With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers. Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents. A fire extinguisher is a handy device. Helium tanks should be chained down tightly. Cheap glue adheres to skin. Kool Aid and song motions do not mix. Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think. Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor. Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped. Ushers do not have a sense of humor. There IS a doggie Heaven. Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier. Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose. Girls are superior to boys. There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation. Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ...

... Dog Learns Patience. Patience Prayer Lord, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. Lord, give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly ?) Lord, help me to finish everything I sta Lord, help me to keep my mind on one th-Look, a bird-ing at a time. Lord, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing? Lord, keep me open to others ' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' ...

... The Senility Prayer-Getting Older God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older ' here are 16 things I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a ...

... A Kitty's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep. I sleep right in the center groove My human can not hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and" I want food !" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, my claws they are prickly For the morning's here and it's time to play I always seem to get my way. Oh thank you Lord for this day. And thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night! [Author Unknown-from 'Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... all His benefits.*For the word of God is quick and powerful .piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.*We pray that our people will jumble themselves. [Author Unknown-from Lisa, via Frank Morris] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I WILL NOW RETURN THE FAVOR. If you don't send this ...

... care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing! A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization. Why settle for the lesser of two evils? Photons have mass !? I didn't even know they were Catholic. A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die! He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at. -Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods ' And it came to pass that in the hands ...

... and foot, and you can have everything you want" The bus driver looks at St. Peter and says" Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead ?" St. Peter just laughs and says:" The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people really prayed !" [Original source unknown-from Dwayne] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... ) will have the ability to judge for (him / her) self in wisdom and in truth. Thou shalt not fail to review the new pastor ’ s salary annually, and increase it as a symbol of love and appreciation. Thou shalt not speak too often of the former pastor, and when thou dost, may it be kindly. Thou shalt not forget the new pastoral family at Christmas and on their birthdays with thoughtful remembrance. Thou shalt not forget to pray for the new pastor and (her / his) family regularly. [Author unknown-from 'John A. Bright ' (johnlynnbright @gmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... he returned a Christian" So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated the Rabbi," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons ?"" Brothers, we must take this to the Lord ," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated:" Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop." Stop ", said the man." Halt !", he cried. The donkey just kept going." Oh, no. Bible!. Church!. Please Stop !", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer." Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN" The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff." HALLELUJAH !", shouted the man. [Author Unknown-from Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Trading Places A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed-Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced ...

... he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then The guy said," It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap an apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said," That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now. 'At that point my telephone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said: 'Almighty God ' I was afraid to answer !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote, and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the harpy 2 ), will choose a gift for me that is fun-maybe something like a root canal or a vasectomy. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular." I'm going to bed" And he did .without another thought. Any thing extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer? CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL. (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do !!!!) Now: GO TO BED! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ...

... da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because daymay confuse da plane's navigation system, which is done by da seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if ...

... pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... cozy-up In Luxury's lap, I'd gladly gnaw my best arm off Ta keep me from that trap. That rich man 'n ' the camel's eye Strainin ' ta swaller a gnat, Old hags know more'n princesses~Yew kin*quote*me on that. Ain't had no luck with Love, folks Bin burnt until I smell, I shoulda read that ole church sign:" No Fire Exits in Hell !". 'N ' when God comes ta beam me up I pray I'm not too fat, When my time comes, I'm OUTTA here~Yew kin*quote*me on that. [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Poems SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Preacher if. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you really were. You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday. A church picnic is no picnic-for you. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny. You said it's Sunday, but Monday's coming! You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer. Instead of getting" ticked off ," you get" grieved in your spirit" You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion. You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed. You've ever wanted to" lay hands" on a deacon's neck or punch out a council member. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living. You ever talked to a person who was sitting on a bedpan. You find yourself ...

... noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her ?" Timmy nonchalantly replied," Yeah, I know who she is" The friend said," Well, who is she ?"" That's just Shirley Goodnest ," Timmy replied," and her daughter Marcy"" Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it! [Author Unknown-from 'Andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... run. if I'm able! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan," She's so sweet when she's sleeping !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Tips For Being Handy If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. What you may have been told by your mother, praying is helpful in home repair. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. If it's electronic, get a new one. or consult a twelve-year-old. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the" on" switch; or just paint over it. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have" fixed" it. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help ...

... end, you'll find God lives there. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience:" And in conclusion" If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he is dead. So why should you? To make a long story short, don't tell it. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington. Some minds are like concrete ...

... some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11. Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. STILL think you're having a bad day? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back ...

... tell you, only a miracle coulda ' snatched him out'a the jaws of death that way! Then there was my head deacon, Wilbur Snooch. He had done left a message on my answerin ' machine that his back was so jerked out'a line that he thought he might have to have surgery. But I want you to know that when we drove past the golf course, there he was, hittin ' golf balls on the drivin ' range. Hallelujah, our prayers worked! Edna Brump sent word with her sister that she wouldn't make it 'cause her stomach was all upset and she didn't want to take a chance on havin ' a mishap in the church. But glory! There she was, standin ' in line at the Feedin ' Trough Smorgasbord. Another healin! All told, we saw that 20 of our sick folk had takin ' a turn for the better and were up and about. Not only that, but I just ...

... , friend of the forest: Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during the long periods of light and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing the ribbons of restraint and petition the linked chewer to formerly see the dried plumbing of those perilous offshoots of trunk, of which my compatriot Fred exposed electrifying laziness, with not a bruising of crown nor canceling of the eyes of the house. Upon autopsy, please to be creating a pyramid of such fabrication as to allow the warming of our nakedness before the location of burning within the area of living. Upon the occasion of the festival of the night, let ...

... What My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:" If you're going to kill each other, do it outside-I just finished cleaning !" My mother taught me RELIGION:" You better pray that will come out of the carpet" My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week !" My mother taught me LOGIC:" Because I said so, that's why !" My mother taught me FORESIGHT:" Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident" My mother taught me IRONY:" Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about" My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:" Shut your mouth and eat your supper !" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:" Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck !" My mother taught me about STAMINA:" You'll sit ...

... she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: If You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven ?" Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there, because there's a Dairy Queen (A Tesas Stop Sign, That Is) everywhere. Right? When Jenny was four, she asked," Does heaven have a floor ?" Surprised, I said," Well, Jenny, what do you ...

... The Sneeze They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would not pray during the commencements-not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine. until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his speech. an astounding sneeze. The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet, and ...

... my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew I sitting on. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend-my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor." What now, Lord ?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's ...

... him. 'Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? '" The greens keeper replied," Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want" There was silence for a moment. The pastor said," That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight" The doctor said," Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them" The engineer said," Why can't these guys play at night ?" ENGINEERS-TAKE THREE What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. ENGINEERS-TAKE FOUR Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said," ...

... trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn. Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed. See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before anyone catches you. Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room. Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written," Don't despair, Sister Eulalia" She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied," That's the fifty bucks you have coming. 'Don't Despair ' paid 10-1" [Author unknown-'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, ...

... of adult beverages – in which my crazy cousin denied doing what we all knew he ’ d done. You gotta love Joe. At this point, many reunions degenerate into the third phase – church-state squabbling. True to form, my family began discussing religion and politics, and things got heated. First names of presidential candidates were tossed around as weapons-Hillary-Hater and Rudy-Retard, among others – and then someone brought the Good Lord into it. “ I ’ ll pray for you ,” said one on the right side of the political spectrum to one on the left. “ You need all the help you can get ” Wisely, before things really got out of hand, we moved into the fourth phase – segregation of the sexes. This happens at every reunion I ’ ve ever attended. The men go one way and the women go the other, and usually, the groups start out by complaining about each other. The men ’ ...

... approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the ...

... the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward. the rope broke. The tree went" bong !" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed," Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping ," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her," Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much ?" She replied," ...

... all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said," Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead ?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking," Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... wolf with focused eyes. And thinking back to high school days, I recollect my mother's cooking ways. Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good! I grab the package where I stood. Meatballs I shall add to the deal. They'll make an even better meal. My mother always said to add the veggies, but they make me mad. To top it off I'll put oil in the pan, I've heard olive oil will make it grand. I say a prayer, turn the knob, And a blue flame begins to throb. It's magic, that's why it's so blue, It'll make my tasty dinner stew. It starts to boil soon enough, And the bubbles make the oil rough. Then lo 'n-behold it starts to burn Just when it knows my back is turned. I quickly knew something was wrong When my stew's smell became too strong. But not to fear, ladies and gents, God blessed me with intelligence. All ...

... Catholic Dictionary Time to brush up even if you're not Catholic! You never know when, or by whom, you might be tested! AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original" Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an ...

... Cajun Ten Commandments The Ten Commandments in Cajun. (Keeps it REAL Simple) God is number one. and das ' All. Don't pray to nuthin ' or nobody. jus ' God. Don't cuss nobody. 'specially da Good Lord. When it be Sunday. pass yo'self by God's House. Yo mama an ' yo daddy dun did it all. lissen to dem. Killin ' duck an ' fish, das ' OK. people-No! God done give you a wife. sleep wit ' jus ' her. Don't take nobody's boat. or nuttin ' else. Don't go wantin ' somebody's stuff. Stop lyin. yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... That I don't have to clean my room, I don't even have to cut my hair, Nobody can tell me what I can eat, or choose the clothes I wear. IT SAID: Freedom of speech is my constitutional guarantee, and its my choice of what I read, or what I watch on T.V. I have the freedom of religion, and regardless to what you say, I don't have to ask your God for help-I don't have to pray. IT SAID: I can wear an earring in my ear, and if I want to-I can pierce my nose, It's my choice if I so desire, to tattoo Satan's numbers-across my toes. Hey, if ever again you try to spank me, I will charge you with the crime, and I can back up all my charges, With the marks on my behind. HE SAID, NOW: Don't ever touch my body again, this ...

... Choir Proficiency Test In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should: Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer. Pretend that you've had a heart attack. Crawl into the nearest chair. Begin speaking in tongues. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high" C" one measure too soon. You should: Slide into an inspired" O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing" Look triumphant and hold on to the note. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving. Sink to the floor in shame. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical ...

... ? We have sermons-come hear one! (Ouch !) A singing group called" The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor changed the outside sign to read," The Resurrection is postponed" People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! When down in the mouth, remember Jonah; he came out all right! Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily. How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Nonsmoking? Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. It is unlikely ...

... Church Humor Most people don't realize how much editing goes into a church bulliten or newsletter. Some announcements have to be completely rewritten because if they appeared the way they were submitted, it would lead to total confusion. Below are some examples: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Martin to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet may come forward and do so. A 'Bean Supper ' will be held next Sunday evening. Special music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the topic will be 'What is Hell? ' Come early and listen to the choir practice. The United Methodist Women ...

... 6: 00 a.m. to play golf than at 10: 00 to mow the lawn? It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Golf Quotes The Gospel according to St. Titleist... May thy ball lie in green pastures~and not in still waters.~Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.~Billy Graham Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.~John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.~Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.~Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.~Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.~Sam Snead Golf is a ...

... My Forgetter My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke to you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say" Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself," who the heck was that ?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE ??? ...

... projectors always work before the class meeting begins. The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on" Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week. The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his / her worst. No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more. A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late. Saying" Let us Pray" or singing" Just as I Am" causes babies to cry. The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting. Business meetings ALWAYS last at least 15 minutes longer than they should. (So do some sermons) Church committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. (William Spurgeon) When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets. The longest ...

... fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain -they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight -the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray. to ask God where he had gone wrong. The Rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the Rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the Rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him," Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. ...

... Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11: 30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease! Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minute before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... No Copyright Don't copyright me, share whatever glee you may find in my words-If I can get a laugh, even at my gaffes, I'll be happy someone heard. Few words flow fine in my twisted mind, fewer ready recollections-I forget what I say, even when I pray, the Lord has sent no rejections. I'd much rather talk than take a walk but both are good exercise-One from my mind, the other to unwind, my pleasure is also my prize. Though I like to gossip I'll not profit at another soul's expense-I find exciting, what others are writing, my mind agrees with their sense. Glee and laughter is what I'm after, no livelier trek is found. The world may feel I've nothing to spiel, I'll sneak in on the rebound. Have lots of fun, I'll just tag along to see how the words turn out. Words keep me busy, sometimes dizzy ...

... of land that is just off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick. One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: WAIT. STEP BACK. TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back and took a ...

... complete, Or cutesy poems that are sweet. I get enough of spam, I do. I hate to see it come from you. Spam offers drugs to make me stronger, Or make some part of me grow longer. So, when a joke or tale you see, Please, please don ’ t hit that forward key. Instead, why don ’ t you drop a line? How are your kids? Is your life fine? How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I ’ d love to read it – long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [by: Mary Egido, Copyright 2006-from Mike's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse. 9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly. 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called" Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping ?" 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen. 6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks. 5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that ...

... on da rubber tu bes -you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant ...

... You'd like a little more dignity in your preacher but you suspect he's getting a little uppity when he wears a robe for weddings. You laugh at jokes about" where you have two Baptists, you have three opinions ," but it touches a nerve and hurts a little. You side with those who believe the Bible just exactly the way it's written, but you'd like to see them act more like Jesus Christ in the process. You don't like fancy, written-out public prayers, but somebody ought to help your preacher and the deacons put a little more life and freshness and thought into theirs! You believe every Christian ought to be a witness and even a soul-winner, and feel guilty because you aren't. You'd do anything to help build church attendance, except actually knock on the door of a newcomer and invite them to Sunday School. When you do knock on their door and invite them, it floods your heart with joy. So much so ...

... eye and say" Amen" once in awhile. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death. Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death. Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands. [Source: Frank's Daily Chuckles] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Dykes / Texas Tech 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it ' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches ' Darrell Royal / Texas 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking ' Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. Woody Hayes / Ohio State University 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players ' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football ' John Heisman AUBURN [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Huh? My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke. To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke. For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain; A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say" Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself" who's that ?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. [Author unknown (or ...

... . -Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president. -Richard D, age 8 Greenwich, CT Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy-the Democrats and Republicans. -A citizen, Lawrence K, age 8 Atlanta, GA What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot. -Kimberly W, age 8, Meriden, CT Dear President Bush: Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. -Elizabeth P, age 8 Seattle WA What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. -Ralph N, Palm Beach, ...

... , H-Town, 3rd Coast, Bayou City, The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you wanna call it: You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is" Hue-stun ," not" Ewe-stun ", or" house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced" San Phil-ee-pay ," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots! Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules .Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that. All directions start with," Go down to Loop 610". which has no beginning and no end. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic. a" Scenic Drive" The morning rush hour is from 6: 00AM to 10: 00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3: 00PM to 7: 00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. ...

... AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363, 214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ...

... Fly over the north side of the fire ," said the photographer," and make three or four low level passes"" Why ?" asked the pilot." Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures !" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said," You mean you're not the instructor? I was suppose to learn how to land the plane today" Two men learned how to pray that day... Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5" Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author unknown-from Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...