... Military Life A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the military's camouflage outfits. Easy-they patterned them after Army and Marine food. If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever been in the Marines or the Army. About the worst punishment you could be ... while in Boot Camp was" seconds" at the Mess Hall. Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though. One solider fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days. One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him perfectly. He began to worry that he was deformed. ... you think it's really true that" old soldiers fade away" ask any of them to put on their old Army uniforms. During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle." Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The Marine ...

... Oath of Enlistment-by Branch All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon reenlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked changes and ... State your name ), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any ... the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked changes and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, (State your name ), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't ...

... Military Rules US Marine Corps Rules: Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. Have a plan. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ... shoot. Navy SEAL's Rules: Look very cool in sunglasses. Kill every living thing within view. Adjust speedo. Check hair in mirror. US Army Rangers Rules: Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. Locate individuals requiring killing. Request permission via radio from" Higher" to perform killing. ... there is extra ammo and extra coffee. Curse bitterly. Curse bitterly Do not listen to 2nd LT's. It can get you killed Curse bitterly US Air Force Rules: Have a cocktail. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. See what's on HBO. Ask" what is a gunfight ?" Request more funding from Congress with a ...

... Military Words Of Wisdom" Aim towards the Enemy"-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher" When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.-U.S. Marine Corps" Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are Guaranteed to always hit the ground"- ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me"-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt." Tracers work both ways"-U.S. Army Ordnance" Five second fuses only last three seconds"-Infantry Journal" Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever Volunteer To ... in range, so are you"-Infantry Journal" It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just Bombed"-U.S. Air Force Manual" Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never Encountered automatic weapons"-General MaCarthur" Try to look unimportant; they may be low ...

... love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. Turn down that blasted ... stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1. 4 inches isn't a blizzard-it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and ... God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. Turn down that blasted car stereo ...

... Recruitment Of Pilots. The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base be opened, and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new Jet Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The ... of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked," Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force ?" The young man looks at him and says," I'm a pilot !" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says," Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it !" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the ...

... boys from the coffee shop have joined us as well !" Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat." I must tell you Sven that I have 10, 000 bombers and 20, 000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION !"" Oh Lord ," said Sven," l'll have to call you back" Sure enough, Sven called again the ... and Steak House in Bruce Crossing, Michigan. I am callin ' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya !"" Well Sven ," Barack replied," This is indeed important news! How big is your army ?"" Right now ," said Sven, after a moments calculation" there is myself, my cousin Olie, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Pine's Bar. That makes eight !" Barack paused." I must tell you ...

... He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4: 30 PM, then tried ... ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank ...

... your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that" breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain ... that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians ...

... your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of parks named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that" breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain ... that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt ...

... Cath and then an e that is set off from the rest of the name, italicized and gussied up with a different color. This kind of name confidence impressed me. Surely that e stood for exercise, and surely this military-style Jane could whip my flaccid form into shape. I spent about a week watching Boot Camp from the comfort of my couch, wishing Cath and her fancy e would wear leg warmers and put on some Jimmy Buffet. But they stayed clad in ... last. Cath and her drill-instructor e were openly dubious, but I assured them that my problem areas and I were now united in the cause. Unfortunately, those faithless flabby regions turned traitor during the first cycle, refusing to soldier on. I barely survived Cycle Two before my arms and legs went AWOL, quivering like mutinous mounds of Jell-O. Cath and her sneering e threatened a court martial. That ’ s when I decided to dig up that old burn-feeling video and ...

... as medical bandaging material during World War II. It did keep soldiers from bleeding to death, but pulling it off caused more damage and pain than the original bullet wound so it was quickly abandoned for more conventional bandaging. The military started looking for other uses for this amazing product and the rest is history. Duct tape comes in a variety of colors (the newest is clear ), but my favorite is the original silver / gray. It is with great pride and honor ... Duct Tape It is not widely known that Duct tape was first developed for use as medical bandaging material during World War II. It did keep soldiers from bleeding to death, but pulling it off caused more damage and pain than the original bullet wound so it was quickly abandoned for more conventional bandaging. The military started looking for other uses for this amazing product and the rest is history. Duct tape comes in a variety of colors (the newest is clear ), but ...

... Surrounded By Sharks A Navy Chaplain, a USAF Doctor & a Marine" JAG" officer (Lawyer) were in a boat near an island. Unfortunately, they had lost their oars, and their boat was surrounded by sharks. They determined that for two of them to make it to the island, one them was going to have to swim away from the boat as a distraction, out towards the open sea, while the other two swam for the island shore ... The JAG officer said," I'll do it ," and without hesitation he jumped over-board. He quickly swam away from the boat while the other two men jumped in to the water on the other side of the boat and headed strong for the island. The plan worked as discussed, and the two men made it safely to the island shore. They then looked out towards the open sea to see how the other man was doing. To their surprise, they saw the ...

... his radio and did something to his forehead, probably putting on his night vision goggles. I lost sight of him as he snaked around the corner of the house. Half an hour later he tromped in, exuberant over his military victory. I stopped him in the hallway." Did you get the mail ?" He stared at me blankly, and I wondered whether he even knew who I was." You were going out to get the mail ," I reminded him ... a mile-high salute. When I checked back at half-time to see who was winning, mankind was on the brink. The football was jammed up inside his shirt, and he was struggling forward on his knees, looking like a soldier crawling through the desert. He had pulled the lawn mower out of the garage, and as he fell toward it, gasping, he pulled the sacred pigskin from his shirt and, with the last reserves of his strength, touched it to ...

... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Dear Ma and Pa-( military humor ). ... Dear Ma and Pa Dear Ma and Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine ...

... The Movies Corporate Rowing Golf Rules Truths Camping -Part2 Got Flax Will Rogers Catholic Community Cat's Computer Dictionary Deer Hunting Unusual Food -Drug Interaction Camping Guidelines What Time Is It Diet Excuses Growing Older Poetic Justice Bad Day'2 Dear Ma And Pa (Military Humor) Missionaries Easter One -Liners Horoscopes For Your Job Position Nuclear Comments Little Johnny College Dictionary To My Darling Wife Santa Claus Is A Woman -A Rebuttal Salesman And Monkeys Translation Problems What I Learnt From The Movies My Dog Has To Take These Pills ... Grandpa Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement Genealogy Quips You Know You Live In A Small Town Canadians -One Opinion Kids Marriage Plans Rescheduled Test Shot By A Turkey Choir Director -Pastor Speeding Bike Twinkle Twinkle Little Toe Alligator Swim They Dont Need God Navy Version -Twas The Night Before Christmas Patience Prayer Dog And Cat Medicus Flying First Class Elevator Rules Real Teachers Tool Definitions Pups Games To Play With Humans Proposal Information Little Johnny -Principal Marriage Proverbs Driver's Test The Sneeze Learned Resume Mistakes Letter From A Mother To ...

... Downsizing Unusual Food -Drug Interaction How Cold Was It How Cold Is It Chocolate Is A Vegetable Turkey Talk Line Husband Pleases Wife Wife Going Deaf Sea Burial Famous Last Words Senior Citizen Discount Best Singles Ad The Spell Chequer An Honest Golfer Military Helicopter Simulation Golf -Perfect Eyesight Pocket Taser Time For A Trade In Hypochondriac's Compendium Over The Hill When Light Bulbs -Zodiac Signs Humorous Signs New Office Slang Rabbit Fox Wolf Fable Rules For Dogs The Unused Credit Card Stress Management Employers Words Of Wisdom Resume Mistakes ... Questions Golf Handicap Laws Of Genealogy Live In Michigan Gravy Train Government Travelers A Week At The Gym To My Dear Friend (Pastors Letter) Who's That Following You True E'mail Addict Talking Turkey The ABCs Of Aging Nautical Terms Office Happenings Navy Version -Twas The Night Before Christmas Mom's Letter To Santa Mothers Job Description Little Johnny And The Fat Lady KIDS KORNER 22 On-going JOKE JESTER 10 On-going How To Tell If You Are A Baptist If Guys Ruled The World Employer's Lingo Interpreted Gift Wrapping Tips ...

... Corporate Rowing Counting Sheep Country Doctor Country Wisdom Couples Golf Tournament Cowboy And Big'city Church Creek Jumping Crime And Punishment Criminally Stupid Cruise Control Crying -Humor Customer's Guide To Supermarket Shopping Dat Dog Dead Mule In The Churchyard Dear Ma And Pa (Military Humor) Dear Baby Jesus Dear Boss Dear Dog And Cat Dear Mom Dear Santa Dear Science Teacher Dear Wife Email Deep Thoughts Deep Trouble Deer Hunting Deficient Noun Disease Dental Help Devil Goes To Church Diary Of A Cat Dictionary For Women Diet Excuses Differences ... Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement Murphy's Laws For Parents Murphys Church Laws Murphys Household Laws Music Tests Musicians Tips My Dog Has To Take These Pills My Forgetter My Hobby -Renting Skis My Logical Deductions Nativity Scene -Teddy Bear Natural Laws Nautical Terms Navy Version -Twas The Night Before Christmas Negotiated Rules Of Golf New And Use Horses New Drugs On The Market New Error Messages New Home New Labor Rules New Office Slang New Pastors Sermon New Words New World ATM Record New York New York -It's A Wonderful ...

... Top Secret You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as" Area 51 ?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their" secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying" you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way ...

... Military Insurance Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated," If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6, 000"" If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per ...

... Navy version-" Twas the Night Before Christmas" 'Twas the night before Christmas, compartments were still, The sailors were sleeping, as most sailors will. The ditty bags hung by the lockers with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The men were all peacefully dreaming in bed As visions of liberty danced in each head. The Chief in his skivvies, hopped into his rack, Having just came from town and a quick midnight snack. When out on the deck there arose such a roar, I ran to the porthole to find out the score. I stuck out my head and started to shout," Just what in the world is this noise all about ?" A moon made for boon-docking showed with a glow, It was downright cold out, 'bout seven below. What I saw out there looked like those Mardi Gras floats, T'was a Captain's gig drawn by white Navy goats. In the boat ...

... Blvd" He replies," Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you !" His mother replies," I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle. it's just too much trouble" He replies," Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you-it's my private jet !" To which she replies," Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab. it's really too much trouble" He replies," Mom !! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger" She answers," Yes, that's nice. but, you know, I still need ...

... $5000, but every year after a better one would come out for half the price and half the size of the previous year-everyone would buy one-and by 2010 we would have personal, hand-held toasters that we could not live without! If Baptists made toasters they'd all be waterproof-for total immersion. If Barbie made toasters they would be labeled: Toast goes in here. If Kellogg made toasters they would snap, crackle and pop If the military made toasters they would have a 100 year surplus in warehouses throughout the country. If an OB clinic made toasters they would take 9 months to toast an 8 pound loaf of bread If Q (from Bond Movies) made toasters they would look like something else and they would explode in the wrong hands. If the US Airways baggage handlers made toasters, your toast would end up in Cleveland. If Las Vegas made toasters, you'd have to put in a LOT of bread before ...

... Control Tower Conversations" Air Force '45, it appears your engine has. oh, disregard. I see you've already ejected"" Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna"" You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head"" Put your compass on 'E ' and get out of my airspace"" Don't anybody maintain anything ?"" Climb like your life depends on it. because it does"" Hello Flight 56, if you hear me, rock your wings"" OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME, ROCK THE TOWER !" [Author Unknown-Received from Teddi's Humor, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as ...

... *_ Attempted to seduce me 3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM )? (Please check all that apply)*_ Obtain lucrative government contracts*_ Have my prejudices turned into law*_ Obtain diplomatic concessions*_ Obtain trade concessions*_ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally*_ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels*_ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress*_ Forestall military action against self / allies*_ Instigate military action against enemies / aggressors / future targets*_ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse*_ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse*_ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups*_ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs 4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)*_ Performance of currently owned model* ...

... stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane ...

... Australian Military Helicopter Simulation This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations / Simulation division. They had been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex-( or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they included things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position). Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli ), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The ...

... Player Edition) Entrance Exam Time Limit: 3 weeks! YOU MUST ANSWER TWO QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY! Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France? History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions -OR-Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters? Physics: On a clock, what time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1? Religion: How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) Geography: ...

... Virginia's Finest Sampler I have a sister who is about 6 years older than myself, and who, after graduating high school, married a navy man. After a short stint in Key West, my sister and new brother-in-law were stationed at the Norfolk NAS in Virginia. On the occasion of my 14th birthday, my sister sent me a wonderful package. It was a real wooden box labeled" Virginia's Finest Sampler" The box contained several vacuum sealed ham steaks, a pound of dry cured bacon, a jar of Red Clover honey, a cloth bag of corn bread mix, another of buttermilk biscuit mix, and a small tin of specially blended tea. That evening, I skittered into the kitchen to cook up my birthday meal. I cooked up the corn bread and ham, and opened a can of turnip greens to go with it, but when I went to brew up the tea, the little tin was no where to be ...

... when they try to decide which one. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past-but never the present. A foolish husband says to his wife," Honey, you stick to the washin, ironin, cookin ' and scrubbin. No wife of mine is gonna" work"" Many girls like to marry a military man-he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know" why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. How old would you be if you didn't know ...

... lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don't forward this. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50 %percent discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to10 people who don't know who I am anyway. My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this. There is NO SUCH THING as an E-mail tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people. There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and ...

... , that ’ s the scenario that popped into my head the other night when I was faced with a situation perhaps not as lethal, but still scary – a slither of shrieking teenage girls stuck in one of my trees. It wasn ’ t exactly the way I expected to celebrate my daughter ’ s 14th birthday. Oh, I knew she ’ d probably want to have a slumber party. And I knew I could survive it. I ’ m a veteran of those wrongly named events where very little actual slumber occurs. Who invented slumber parties anyway? It ’ s difficult enough to get your own kids to go to bed. Whoever thought it was a good idea to bring in other people ’ s children and attempt to persuade them to go to sleep at a reasonable hour? I ’ d like to have a word with that person. But I went along with what my daughter wanted – it was, after all, her ...

... scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before;" Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is SO great !". The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation." Wow !" exclaimed the boy happily," God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in only 10-inches of water !" Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5 (NIV)" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author Unknown-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... The Trouble Is At Your End It was decided at MS corporation, during a brilliant brainstorming session, that military service would help improve the focus, problem solving skills and discipline of their" Internet tech support" staff. They decided to test this theory by sending their senior technical support technician first. So off to boot camp he went. At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The MS tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again." Hmmmmm ," he thought," I'll get to the bottom of this in no time" He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust was kicked up, and a little dimple ...

... 27. 26. 25. 24. 23. 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof" Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Friendly Fire And the Number one top OXY-Moron, 1. Microsoft Works [Author Unknown-from 'Kevin Rayner ' (otchurch @hotmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... The Ten Best Tools Of All Time Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets-uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it -falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed ...

... Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit." No, that won't be necessary ," Leola said." We trust you" The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch Days Of Our Lives, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements ...

... Butterball Turkey Talk-Line Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls-inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (" Will it cook faster if I drive faster ?"), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen-these are real incidents, true stories-from the front lines! Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the ...

... into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa." MOMMMMMMM !": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. MUSH: What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and / or doll clothing. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end ...

... have a baby delivered ?") In the offices of a loan company:" Ask about our plans for owning your home" In a New York medical building:" Mental Health Prevention Center" (WHO would want to prevent mental health ?) On a New York convalescent home:" For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church" On a Maine shop:" Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship" At a number of military bases:" Restricted to unauthorized personnel" (The sign should read" Unauthorized Personnel Restricted from access ") On a display of" I love you only" Valentines-" Available in multi-packs" In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:" Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work" In a funeral parlor:" Ask about our layaway plan" On a shopping mall marquee:" Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" In the window of an ...

... Intellectually Challenged You Know You Are Intellectually Challenged When... If you send a fax with a stamp on it. If you think a quarterback is a refund. If you try to put M & M's in alphabetical order. If you think Boyz II Men is a daycare center. If you think Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. If you think General Motors is in the army. On you job application, you put" Hooked on Phonics" If you try to drown a fish. If you trip over a cordless phone. If you spend 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it says" concentrate" If you tell someone to meet you at the corner of" WALK" and" DON'T WALK" If you ask for a price check at the Dollar Store. If it takes you 2 hours to watch" 60 Minutes" If you try to speak your mind, and you look speechless. If ...

... them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression" to get fired" Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until five years later. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The name" Jeep" came from the abbreviation used in the army for the" General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. All of the clocks in the movie" Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4: 20. The only two ...

... Football Entrance Exam What language is spoken in France? Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR-give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic. [check only one] Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) What are people in America's far North called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton Six kings of England have been called ...

... peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies," Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off !" The little boy then asked," How did you lose your hand ?"" Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn't find a hand, so they puts this hook on ," answered the pirate. Next, the little girl asked," How did you lose your eye ?"" Well ," says the pirate," I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye !" The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim" ...

... were they to do?" I know ", said the Departmental Manager," Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way"" No, no ", said the Hardware Engineer," That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way"" Well ", said the Software Engineer," Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out ...

... tarnished where lashes brought blood. A rugged old cross was his tortuous rack, As he shifted it's weight to his now bleeding back. His eyes, filled with burdens, 'twas nothing there merry, The thorns had no roses, the night became eerie. His dry thirsty mouth was drawn thin like a bow, And the beard of his chin was plucked out cruelly, and slow. The cross from his back held him high in his shame, And the soldiers encircled his death with a game. He had a kind face, in his eyes none saw hate, And he shook when they laughed at his horrible fate. He was dying for me, took my sins on himself, And I wept when I saw him, in spite of myself. A look in his eye, and the twist of his head, Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to ...

... moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total opposite. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... in my face .disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troop s or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers-but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a ...

... Some Observations On Maturing It's harder to tell navy from black. Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the second time around. Your kids are becoming you .and you don't like them .but your grandchildren are perfect. Yellow becomes the big color .walls .hair .teeth. Going out is good. Coming home is better. When you needed the discount you had to pay full price .Now you get discounts on everything .movies, hotels. flights. You forget names .but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you. The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them. You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth. The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 25 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 25 pounds. Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember. Your husband sleeps better ...

... On Marriage" Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning storms"" Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist"-James Garner" Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards"-Benjamin Franklin" Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost-she may have got him"" A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer"-Ronald Colman" Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you, after marriage they are, 'let's eat out"" By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher"-Socrates" A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older? '" ...

... . In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60, 000ft) The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked," How do you plan to get up to 60, 000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver ), responded," We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it" He was cleared. There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running" a bit peaked" Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down." Ah ," the fighter pilot remarked," one of those dreaded seven-engine approaches !" A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked," What was your last known position ?" Student:" ...

... better, and never the two should meet. I was flushed in embarrassment, but invited her in. Her dismayed eyes swept over my domestic disarray, but she continued her recruitment speech. She was clearly an exuberant parent, bent on marshalling her troops for the task at hand. I felt my parental confidence ebbing away, and good old guilt setting in. I obviously needed to do more. By the time she left, I'd been conscripted into her volunteer army. I was eager to prove my maternal mettle, anxious to impress. So I tried to be a stereotypical PTA mom. I really did. I put on a saccharine smile and covered myself in cute, volunteering in the classroom while wearing a school bus sweater in September, a candy corn necklace in October and a turkey broach in November. In December, I was a walking festival of kitsch, swathed in yuletide apparel. I became an aide-de-camp to the homeroom mom ( ...

... Fly-by-Night-A large sail used only for sailing downwind and requiring rather little attention. Start Over with a Clean Slate-A slate tablet was kept near the helm on which the watch keeper would record the speeds, distances, headings and tacks during the watch. If there were no problems during the watch, the slate would be wiped clean so that the new watch could start over with a clean slate Let the Cat Out of the Bag-In the Royal Navy the punishment prescribed for most serious crimes was flogging. This was administered by the Bosun's Mate using a whip called a cat o ' nine tails. The" cat" was kept in a leather or baize bag. It was considered bad news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other sources attribute the expression to the old english market scam of selling someone a pig in a poke (bag) when the pig turned out to be a cat instead. Taking ...

... Missouri Farm Kid (Now at Camp Pendleton Basic Training Facility) Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are the same. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, ...

... food by the addition of sugar and cocoa." MOMMMMMM !": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and / or doll clothing PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up ...

... the wrong house. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room ), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on` Eyewitness News. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions. You ...

... in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.-D. E. Knuth, 1967 A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.-In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance An Animated Cartoon Theology: People are animals. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. Life is antagonistic to the living. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. We are able to walk on air, ...