... Kids Takes On Life SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:" Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores"-Del, age 6" Shake your hips and hope for the best"-Camille, age 9" Yell out that you love them at the ... LOVE?" Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love"-Bobby, age 9" Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food"-Bart, age 9" Romantic adults ... a free country and nobody should be forced to do it"-Bart, age 9 HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:" Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work"-Dick, age 7" Don't forget your wife's name-That will mess up the love"-Erin, age 8 ...

... I've Learned I've learned-that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned-that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned-that it takes years to build ... trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned-that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned-that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned-that you ... learned-that it's taken me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned-that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned-that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned- ...

... a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a" honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, ... just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the ... !" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him ...

... Dogs waiting in line to use the tree. Dog Lovers You Know You Love Dogs When.... You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies. The trash basket is more or ... . You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you. You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out. You get an extra-long hose on your ... Dogs waiting in line to use the tree. Dog Lovers You Know You Love Dogs When.... You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies. The trash basket is more or ...

... quietly.*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.*Hymn:" I Love Thee My Ford"*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because ... their weight.*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof ... and on earth peach to men.*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.*We pray that our people ...

... Airline Humor You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour. West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture ' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On ... of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have ' 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane ' 'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much ... at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines ' 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing ...

... What is Love? This question was posed to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds:" What does love mean ?"" Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way"" When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love"" When someone loves you, the way they ... your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth"" Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other"" Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs"" Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it ...

... I Love My Job I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day. I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest. I love my office and its location. I hate to have to take vacation. I love my desk, so drab and gray, And love those paper piles each day. I love my chair in my padded cell; There's nothing else I love ... I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores. I love my job and I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men: These men who've come to visit today, In lovely white coats to take me away! [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... If You Love Somebody THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours. THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was. THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. Don't worry, she will come back ... VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free. Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that. THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION :: If you love somebody, Set her free. If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway. THE POSSESSIVE VERSION: If you love somebody don't ever set her free. THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody set her free ...

... Kids Understand Love Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word." ... means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay"" Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird"" I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones"" When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you"" You can break love, ...

... Valentine Humor What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card that says," I love you drool-ly !" What did the painter say to her boyfriend?" I love you with all my art !" What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!" Do you love me more than you love sleep ?"" I can't answer now. It's time for my nap !" What did ... man with the broken leg say to his nurse?" I've got a crutch on you !" Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts! What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny! What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?" Be my valenstein !" What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses! Why did ...

... from ?" Adam said," Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me" And God said," No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot ... created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG" And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said," Lord, Adam has ...

... Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a" danger to themselves and the community" According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the" I Love You" virus and warned them not to click on any attachments, then the next day his parents received an" I Love You" email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained," It came from someone we know" ... The Toughest Decision The Toughest Decision: Should My Loved One Be Placed In An Assisted Computing Facility? For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one-a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling-is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the ...

... the season and the wife and I took our tea and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9-We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea ... ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12-The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas ...

... "-James Garner" Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards"-Benjamin Franklin" Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost-she may have got him"" A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer"-Ronald Colman" Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you, after marriage they are, 'let's eat out"" By all means marry: If you ... like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist"-James Garner" Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards"-Benjamin Franklin" Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost-she may have got him"" A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer"-Ronald Colman" Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you, after ...

... those are the responsibility of the new minister. Thou shalt not send to the former pastor, nor in any way communicate with (him / her ), matters of gossip or problems. Thou shalt not withhold thine exceeding great capacity of love for the pastor and (her / his) family. Thou shalt love them, as thou hast loved us, and even more abundantly. Thou shalt not prejudge persons and situations for the new pastor. (She / He) will ... the ability to judge for (him / her) self in wisdom and in truth. Thou shalt not fail to review the new pastor ’ s salary annually, and increase it as a symbol of love and appreciation. Thou shalt not speak too often of the former pastor, and when thou dost, may it be kindly. Thou shalt not forget the new pastoral family at Christmas and on their birthdays with thoughtful remembrance. Thou shalt not forget to pray for the new ...

... , Page 11, Anderson ** Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven ** Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany ** Dear ... Letters to a Pastor ** Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. ** Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix ** Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, ...

... by, the woman said to him," This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?"" You have to spell a word ," Saint Peter told her." Which word ?" the woman asked." Love" The woman correctly spelled" Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was ... arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-" Hello"" How are you! We've been waiting for you !"" Good to see you" When Saint Peter came by, the woman ...

... fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow. And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly ... saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when He looked at the teacher, He saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers. And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created." SNOW DAYS" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Philosophy of Housecleaning I don't do windows because. I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am compassionate) I don't wax floors because. I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. (I am careful and poor) I don't mind the dust bunnies because. they are very good company. I have named some of them, and they agree with ... I say. (I am imaginative) I don't disturb cobwebs because. I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind) I don't Spring Clean because. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair-minded) I don't plant a garden because. I don't want to get in God's way, He is an excellent designer. (I am courteous) I don't ...

... be"-Holbrook Jackson" The average dog is a nicer person than the average person"-Andrew A. Rooney" He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"-Unknown" If you pick up a starving dog and make ... good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail"-Unknown" No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does"-Christopher Morley" A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself"-Josh Billings" Man is a dog's idea of what God should be"-Holbrook Jackson" The average dog is a nicer person than the average person"-Andrew A. Rooney" He ...

... and tomorrow will not bring them back. Wouldn't it be nice if we all knew tomorrow would be here? But this is not to be, so take the time TODAY to give a hug, a smile, an" I love you". JUST FOR TODAY, .smile at a stranger .listen to someone's heart .drop a coin where a child can find it .learn something new, then teach it to someone .tell someone you're thinking of them .hug a loved one .don't hold ... grudge .don't be afraid to say" I'm sorry" .look at a child, and tell them how great they are .don't kill that spider in your house, he's just lost so show him the way out .look beyond the face of a person into their heart .make a promise, and keep it .call someone, for no reason, to just say" Hi" .show kindness to an animal .stand up for what you believe in .smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen ...

... husband, employing guerilla warfare tactics, sneaks into the bathroom and jumps into the shower, rapidly steaming up the place and fogging the mirror. This threatens to stall Phase 4 – the application of makeup – and usually leads me to lovingly suggest that my man ’ s allotted 30 seconds has elapsed, and he should exit the premises without further delay. That ’ s when things get dicey. The timing between Phase 4 and Phase 5-the all-important, multi-appliance hair-styling step ... man whose picture is placed next to the word cheapskate in the dictionary, would insist on sticking with a solitary sink and shower, brutally throwing a monkey wrench into the convoluted process that is necessary to keep his wife looking like her lovely self. Over the years, I ’ ve developed a highly effective, multi-step system for getting ready every morning. Each phase in this process is divided into a series of tasks, and each task is absolutely essential to achieving the goal ...

... I greet her with an affectionate," I don't have any money ," which makes her laugh." Oh Dad ," she chides, which I translate to mean" I don't care if you have money or not, I still love your credit cards"" Let's go get pedicures !" she enthuses, as if this is something I would ever do under any circumstances. It's as if she has suggested we go to the mall and try on bras together. I picture ... that as my children grow older, they begin to treasure the time they spend with my wallet." Why can't we bond over you coming to clean my garage while I shout encouragement from in front of the television ?" I ask lovingly. She knows I'm teasing about sitting in front of the television because more than a year ago she borrowed it. I've always said that having her move out was not like losing a daughter, it was like gaining a lot of counter ...

... or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in ... 7: 30. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6: 36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4: 19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph. They ...

... am putting a copy of this memo in your personnel file. This whole matter is most unseemly, as the dog lacks standing to register a complaint of any kind. This is an animal who, when excited, attempts to make love to the sofa — an animal who, when allowed outside, rewards us by defecating in our yard! How often, I ask you, have we been enjoying a lovely evening of our favorite activity — sitting in front of the television ... the family room, everyone taking turns stroking and worshiping me — only to have this mutt release a gaseous emission that brings tears to our eyes and screams of anguish from your children? Of course, you yourself are to blame here for the bad example you set with your own flatulent behavior. In fact, there is such a strong link between your initial discharge and the dog ’ s follow-up volleys that I ’ ve come to think of them as" sympathy farts" ...

... even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice." Father ," he said," I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage" His father replied," Don't you love this girl ?"" Oh yes, very much ," he said ," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them"" No problem ," said dad," all ... say a word until you've brushed your teeth"" I shouldn't say good morning or anything ?" the daughter asked." Not a word ," her mother affirmed." Well, it's certainly worth a try ," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, ...

... vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothin ' much happened. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. [By Philip Thompson-from Twisted Straw] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you ...

... ’ s a dead rabbit on the patio ,” I told him breathlessly, “ and Eb has already eaten its head !” There was a long pause. Finally, in an incredulous and, I thought, unnecessarily hostile tone, the love of my life responded, “ You called me in China to tell me this? In the middle of the night? In CHINA ?!” Over the years, I ’ ve perfected a series of guilt-inducing sighs. Women are very good at ... animal that had no business being dead on my property. Upon further, horrified inspection, I discovered it was a rabbit – a headless rabbit – and that what remained of the head was actually hanging out of the mouth of our lovable family pet. You forget, sometimes, that dogs are not really that far removed from their wolf ancestors. You forget they aren ’ t just furry, four-legged humans who don ’ t like baths. Ebony wagged her tail at me ...

... clean mud off shoes. CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar. CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables. COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can ... A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa." MOMMMMMM !": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, ...

... make the fashion statement you were looking for That particular day, think twice before you make that conscious decision That it is easier to throw the item in the dirty clothes rather than Hanging it back up. Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as Their fashion standards must not be as high as yours. Laundry Sharing~In the future, each of you will be required to do one load of laundry a Week. Instructions will be provided. Mom ... Will go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while You are on a cruise! Folded Clothes Rule~When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, Graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a Generous contribution to the Goodwill. General Dirty Clothes Rule~If they aren't dirty, why the heck are they in the ...

... On landing, the stewardess said," Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"" Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride" As the plane landed and ... are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite"" Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines"" Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments"" As ...

... computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Kevin, Nikki and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your hard-disk is booting. Love, Andy [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Kevin, Nikki and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your hard-disk is booting. Love, Andy [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal. This ad got an amazing number of responses! SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when ... the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal. This ad got an amazing number of responses! SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be ...

... a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple ... 7: 30. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6: 36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4: 19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. ...

... the Pope replied," I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old ?"" I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time" Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history ... Heavenly Library There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace." Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through ...

... popularly known as a Beefeater, cheerfully reminded the uncouth Americans in the crowd that if we ’ d simply paid our taxes, all the culture and history at which we were agog would still be ours. You ’ ve got to love the British. We also paid a call to that most iconic of English institutions – the pub. The English spend a great deal of time drinking very dark, very strong beer in pubs with names that start with Ye. This explains ... . The Pig ’ s Blood Affair, as my children took to calling it, almost spoiled our appetite for exploring the Sceptre'd Isle. But I assured my crew that, in spite of a few foibles, the English are a lovely and lively bunch. And so we set out to savor the civilization that produced both Shakespeare and the Spice Girls. We went to palaces and castles, museums and galleries. We gazed upon statues, paintings and sculpture far older than our ...

... loud and very loud. An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday-he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother ... studying for her driver's license. A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music-loud and very loud. An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday-he ...

... , 2012 Submit Humor PHRASE (use quotes ):" Mother's Day" 10 20 50 Humor ALL Messages Poems Stories = Less than 15 days old, or Modified. CLICK on the SORT options below. Alphabetical Random Most Recent Kids Understand Love Company Policy The Chili Judge Inner Wisdom Revealed Dog Lovers 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter Some Days I Wonder Juan The Smuggler Politics Explained Valentine's Facts Talented Rat My Logical Deductions Dumbest People Ever Turned Into A Mom When Truths For Adults ... Assurance Highest Priority Patience Prayer New Drugs On The Market Three Tough Mice Salary Theorem Proof Christmas Downsizing Unusual Food -Drug Interaction How Cold Was It How Cold Is It Chocolate Is A Vegetable Turkey Talk Line Husband Pleases Wife Wife Going Deaf Sea Burial Famous Last Words Senior Citizen Discount Best Singles Ad The Spell Chequer An Honest Golfer Military Helicopter Simulation Golf -Perfect Eyesight Pocket Taser Time For A Trade In Hypochondriac's Compendium Over The Hill When Light Bulbs -Zodiac Signs Humorous Signs New Office Slang Rabbit Fox ...

... Catholic Horses Thoughts To Ponder Paraprosdokians Examples Office Posters We'd Like To See Good Son Computer Woman Excuses For Sleeping Actual Excerpts Why Thoughts Eating Worms JOKE JESTER 02 On-going Really Bad Day Age Before Beauty Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care Why I Love Mom A Cowboys Prayer Importance Of Proofreading Real Story -The Three Bears Football Entrance Exam Keeping It Simple Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder Celebrating Christmas Porsche An Ounce Of Prevention KIDS KORNER 08 On-going Grandchildern Think About It Prodigal Son -Key Of -F Signs Technology ... Driver Is From Old Farmers Advice Parking Lot Rules Why Are We Here Universal Laws Of Golf Why God Created Pets Toilet Facilities Outhouse Midyear Resolutions The Senility Prayer -Getting Older Hanging Christmas Lights Business Slogans You're A Northerner When What A Play Dog Lovers The Plus Sign Dog-sermon Dear Science Teacher The Chili Judge Teacher's Thoughts Knowing People Prison Life vs Job The Letter Hard Times For Humor Do Not Despair Kiss Employers Words Of Wisdom Alaska Living Engineering Conversions Yiddish Speaking Parrot Ways To Ward Off Burglars Aussie ...

... To Tell If You're A High-tech Redneck How To Tell If You Are A Baptist Huh Humble Bank Client Humorous Signs Hurricane Preparedness Husband Pleases Wife Husband Store Hypochondriac's Compendium I Am A Senior Citizen I Bring You Franken-thine I Know I'm Smart I Love My Job If Made Toasters If Airlines Sold Paint If College Students Wrote The Bible If Guys Ruled The World If Life Was Like A Computer If Microsoft Had Been The First To Invent Books If Not For Bad Luck I'd Have No Luck At ... Diet Excuses Differences Between Men And Women Directly To The Mailbox Do Not Despair Do You Need Help -Internet Humor Does Your Cat Own You Dog's Rules For Christmas Dog-sermon Dog And Cat Medicus Dog Breeds Dog Credit Dog Dictionary Dog Food Diet Dog Lovers Dog Therapy Dogercise Doggy Dictionary Dogs And Women Don't Hit The Ducks Don't Say This To Police Don't Know -Names Test Dried Peas Driver's Ed Driver's Test Drug Problem Duct Tape Dude -Where's My Son Dumb People Dumbest People Ever During Boring Sermons E -Nnoyed ...

... Pet Place How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.... I love thee agreeably-enough to let your stinky dog hide on the bed after a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens. I love thee steadfastly-enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control). I love thee passionately-despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities. I love thee well-despite the amazing odors you produce. I love thee deeply-though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity. I love thee madly-despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments-in inappropriate places. I love thee constantly-despite the dog" bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years. I love thee truly-despite ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Teenager in Love-Each night I ask the stars up above Why must I be a teenager in love?-Dion And The Belmonts My teenage son is in love for the first time, and his puppy love is taking a big bite out of his mother ’ s psyche. I know his heart will go on, but I ’ m not sure mine can stand the strain. You forget how ferocious those early crushes can be. Today ’ s teens don ’ t get the chance to build up the intestinal fortitude needed to safely survive first love ’ s flames. When I was a teenager, you had to pay your dues. The telephone – which was tethered to the kitchen wall by a crazy thing called a cord – would ring, and your heart would leap within as you raced to be the first one to answer it. If you were lucky, you were ...

... Gifts For Him If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words." Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet ?"" OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3 / 8-inch socket yet ?" No one knows why. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. Again, no one knows why. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes ...

... Kids Letters to God PUZZLEMENTS, DILEMMAS, AND OTHER IMPONDERABLES In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane How did you know you were God? Charlene Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear God, On halloween I am going to wear a devil's costume. Is that all right with you? Marnie Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident. Norma Dear God. Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan Dear God, Do animals use you or is there somebody else for them? Nancy Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed ...

... Love Virus Mutations The" Love Bug" Virus circled the globe, damaging computers in it's path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.... The" I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar. The" Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade. The" Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life. The" Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time. The" I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session ...

... Why Dogs Are Better Than Women (Humor-no disrespect to women intended.) Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs enjoy rough play. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit ...

... you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1-These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself," Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up ?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2-These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself," That's great, but I wonder what's further up ?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3-These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, better" she says." I wonder what's upstairs ?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4-These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." Wow ...

... Valentine's Facts If a woman wants a man to spend a lot of money on her on a date, all she needs to do is this. What? Answer: Wear Red. 9 %of honeymooning couples last year had this in common. What? Answer: They brought their kids along! 15 %of married people say this happened on their first date. What? Answer: They fell in love! 11 %of couples will do this for Valentine's Day dinner. What? Answer: Split the bill! It's estimated that approximately 3, 500 5th Graders will do this today. What? Answer: Fall in love! 24 %of people will look at buying one of these for Valentine's Day, what is it? Answer: A Singing Card. 59 %of women like this gift for Valentine's Day, but say it shows a lack of thought by their man, what is it? Answer: A Gift Card. ...

... the devil's workshop" And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! Enjoy the simple things. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. Tell the people you ...

... glimpse of how intelligent you are. Reveal the urgency to go for a W-A-L-K. If only our people knew we could spell! About collection... collect as many balls, bones, sticks and toys as you can. If you have the largest collection on the block, it makes you Top Dog. New studies reveal that humans are attracted to the smell of dog breath. Knowing this, take every opportunity to breathe in your persons face. This displays love and affection. When your person has a guest over, you must always sit in between the two people. If you have two people, do not let them sleep next to each other or spend quality time alone... there isn't any need for that when they could be playing ball or fetch! Show signs of frustration when people make irrational demands. People tend to care about petty things, like busy streets, getting dirty, etc. People cannot comprehend the ...

... down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command" sit !", especially if your human is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, your human will love you in return. [Author Unknown-from Mark Miller] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command" sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him or her to go. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins ...

... coat is made of denim. You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites. You're younger than 50 but some of your friends are over 65. Anything under 70 degrees is chilly. You've driven through YeeHaw Junction. You know that no other grocery store can really compare to Publix. Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005. You know that anything hurricane under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for. You dread" love bug" season (and you know what" love bugs" are !) You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as just Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne & Wilma. You know what a" snowbird" is and more importantly when they'll leave. You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty 'average. 'Down South ' really means Key West. Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes ...

... . When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here. When you have a dozen CRT monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators. When an I.T. person tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and ...

... , I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong One who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind. Know what to say when I ask," How fat is my behind ?" One who'll make love till my body's a ' itchin ' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never compare me to my best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know you will send him before it's too late. Amen [Author ...

... floor with a glance. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques! If you don't like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!" Genuine Antique Person ," Been there, done that, can't remember! Our policy is to always blame the computer. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting. Take my advice, I'm not using it! Okay! I love you! Now can we eat? You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky. I love to give homemade gifts. umm, which one of the kids would you like? I have a million dollar figure-but it's all loose change! By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence ...

... His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad," For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS !" Love, Bubba At 5 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area, without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his ...

... the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice:" And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly ?" That motivates us. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer ...

... too long to explain" MEANS: I have no idea how it works." I'm getting more exercise lately" MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead." We're going to be late" MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac." Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard" MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner." That's interesting dear" MEANS: are you still talking?" Love, we don't need material things to prove our love" MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again." You expect too much from me" MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?" It's really a good film" MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women." You know how bad my memory is" MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed ...

... Grandparents-Grandchildern Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.~Author Unknown What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars ' worth of pleasure.~Gene Perret Grandmothers are just 'antique ' little girls.~Author Unknown Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.~Welsh Proverb A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.~Author Unknown Never have children, only grandchildren.~Gore Vidal Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.~Pam Brown Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Grandfathers have only so many horsy rides in them.~Gene Perret When grandpa enters the door, discipline flies out the window.~Ogden Nash Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.~ ...

... , St. Peter offered to take her on a tour of the facilities. As they walked past the halo depository, she noticed a sort of fence off in the distance Intrigued, she asked St. Peter if they could look at it." What's a fence doing up here ?" she asked." Oh, that's not exactly a fence ," he replied." It's a balcony railing. You see, some folks arrive here and find that certain friends or loved ones aren't here, and realize they must have gone to Hell. So we have an arrangement with the Adversary whereby our folks can stand at the railing and look down and find their loved ones" So they approached the railing, and the woman looked down. She spotted a group of people wailing and tearing out their hair while demons poked them with pitchforks." What's the matter with that group ?" she asked. St. Peter took a look." Ah ," ...

... How to Plan a Family Reunion I love family reunions as long as they are happening to someone else's family. To me, the fact that my aunts and cousins and sisters have all chosen to live as far away from one another as possible is not a coincidence, but a warning. Others in my family don't agree, and speak of our last reunion with such fondness that I am pretty sure they must have left before Uncle Lou grabbed the microphone and gave us his penetrating analysis of the state of the American political system, made all the more interesting because of Uncle Lou's a) lifetime service as a notary public, and b) bourbon. I've been monitoring my e-mails lately, tracking the plans to have a" Cameron Family Blow-Out !!!!!", as the subject line reads -I assume the extra exclamation points are there to incite enthusiasm. In case you are thinking of having a reunion of your own, here are the steps you apparently need ...

... Why Aren't You Married? Tired of people constantly asking you why you aren't married? Don't knot your brows and pout! Instead, have some fun with these snappy comebacks:" You haven't asked yet"" I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life"" Because I just love hearing this question"" It gives my mother something to live for"" Just lucky, I guess"" My fiancée is awaiting his parole"" I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America"" Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened ...

... look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Why can't men just say" I love you ?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at ...

... Single Comebacks Tired of people constantly asking you why you aren't married? Don't knot your brows and pout! Instead, have some fun with these snappy comebacks:" You haven't asked yet"" I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life"" Because I just love hearing this question"" It gives my mother something to live for"" Just lucky, I guess"" My fiancée is awaiting his parole"" I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America"" Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles ...

... the plants in this family! And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over. Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary. I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. Freedom*OF*religion includes freedom*FROM*religion. In a crisis call for Isis! That was Zen. this is Tao. Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Confession without repentance is just bragging.-Rev. Eugene Bolton Heck is a place ...

... wove fake ivy and silk flowers along the fencing to complete the look. The bench and its fence were secured to one of my daughter's bedroom walls, and a mirror-bordered with glued-on ivy and still more silk flowers-was mounted above. She'd sit on that bench in her garden room, cuddling her crew of stuffed animals, and she would pretend she was in a real garden. Some days, she'd play dress-up in front of the mirror, wearing a lovely hat adorned, naturally, with flowers. Once, I walked in to find her breathing deeply." I'm just smelling all of my flowers, Mommy ," she said simply. At that moment, I could smell them too. Occasionally, I was invited in for tea parties. These were formal affairs at which I was expected to wear a pretty hat and conduct myself in a manner befitting my lovely surroundings. Sometimes I succeeded at this, but often-too often ...

... The Worst Day Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, and that it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a try. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked ...

... much ?" WOMAN: "$ 60, 000" MAN:" OK, but for that price make sure you get all the options" WOMAN:" Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950, 000" MAN:" Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900, 000" WOMAN:" OK. I'll see you later! I love you !" MAN:" Bye, I love you, too" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks:" Anyone know who this 'cell phone ' belongs to ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Jason's EMail ' (jubilate @clearsail.net ), via (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... times when a man doesn't understand a woman-before marriage and after marriage. WHAT A WOMAN WANTS: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it. LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing," I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... August day, I met a handsome, seemingly normal man. We talked about everything under the sun – literature, art, philosophy, our hopes and dreams. But then came September, and I was shocked one Saturday to find this fellow that I ’ d fallen for screaming shirtless in a stadium, his face and body painted crimson for the team. If I was smart, I ’ d have run away as fast as I could. But I was in love, and we all know that love is as blind as, judging by fan reaction, a great number of football referees. So I foolishly married the man, and in time, produced some miniature Madden men of my own. Fast forward to today. I ’ m living in a house absolutely inundated by pigskin passion. We have football bed sheets, football posters on the walls, even football toilet seat covers. On Friday nights, we watch my skinny, high ...

... appeal of the game – a chaotic mix of men pushing, shoving and bellowing, slobber and obscenities flying. And that's just the fans. But my boy has been hooked from an early age, spending countless hours watching, playing and dreaming about football. He's consumed whole forests of paper drawing intricate plays marked with Xs and Os. And I've grown tearful remembering other Xs and Os my sweet child long ago scribbled on construction-paper cards, right under the words" I Love You, Mommy" I've tried, occasionally, to fight back. Once, I suggested he end a six-hour football fest and read a book. But my son has the same regard for reading that I have for cellulite, and his withering response cut me to the quick." Print is dead, Mom. Nobody reads anymore"" There is no way ," I wailed," no way you came from my loins !" He gave me a blank look." ...

... Prof. of Philosophy: a" KISS" is persecution for the child, ecstasy for youth, and homage for the old. Prof. of English: a" KISS" is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all. Prof. of Computer Science: What is a" KISS "? It looks to be an undefined variable, whose possible value can equal love. Prof. of Architecture: a" KISS" is a process which builds a solid bond between two dynamic objects. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine. The Bible-Solomon's Song of Songs 1: 2 NIV. [Author Unknown-from 'Love Quotes '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Midyear Resolutions With the first half of 2008 safely swept into the dustbin of history, it is time to also throw out our New Year ’ s resolutions – those giddy, glamorous goals made when the year was young and we were possibly influenced by too much champagne. It is time to roll out more modest midyear resolutions. The lean and vigorous New Year ’ s baby has now aged into a less lively, middle-aged adult with love handles, and our annual, overly optimistic infant aspirations need to be trimmed accordingly. Speaking of love handles, the whole ridiculous weight-loss resolution absolutely must be on the midyear chopping block. That ’ s the No. 1 pledge on most people ’ s lists, and it simply has to go. So we ’ ll start with that diabolical duo of duties-exercise and eating right-that each of us swears to embrace in January. Who are we kidding? Our ...

... On Being Bald... If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker. If he's bald in the back, he is a lover. If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover." Papa, are you growing taller all the time ?"" No my child. Why do you ask ?"" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair" He has wavy hair. it's waving goodbye. He's not baldheaded. he just has flesh-colored hair. There's one proverb that really depresses him: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow ' He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble. There's one thing about baldness. it's neat. There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have. He has less hair to comb, but more ...

... Graduate Nurses vs Experienced Nurses A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does. An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. A Graduate Nurse has so many pins on their name badge you can't read it. An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons. A Graduate Nurse charts too much. An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough. A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes. An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes. A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse. An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse. A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad. An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc. A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient. An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards. An experienced ...

... the door. Me: Later, I'm going to go for a car ride without the dog! Daughter: Car rides are so much fun, why share them with the dog? Son: Hey look, the cat is jumping on the table. Daughter: She's so adorable when she does that. Me: If the dog ever tried something like that, we'd yell and be very angry. Daughter: Bad dog! Son: Ha ha. Me: I love the cat. Daughter: The cat can't obey commands to sit or lie down, and it doesn't come when you call it. The cat's disgusting smell is all over the place and it sleeps on the bed even though that's bad dog behavior. Me: I don't care, I still love the cat. Son: Me too. Daughter: Me too. Son: Say, when I give the dog his cardboard dinner, should I, at the very least, ...

... to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me !? = [Too late, you're dead] [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... The End of Good Desserts I guess there's a new diet out called" Eat More, Weigh Less ," which makes me feel something of a trendsetter, since that's what I've been doing for years, only without the weigh-less part. My problem is that I enjoy good food, and it apparently enjoys me, too, since it usually chooses to stick around after I've eaten it, in the form of what I would call" love handles" and other people would call" fat" Being a mature man, I can shrug off these insults, explaining to these other people that it's my body, I make my own choices, and if I'm overweight it is not my fault. My problem is that very often, when I am a guest for dinner, someone will serve dessert, which I feel compelled to eat because I'm a polite person who doesn't want to insult someone by refusing to eat her pie with ice cream and caramel ...

... so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. All ...

... Arizona May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live !! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper. June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. ...

... College Form Letter Date:_Dear Parent (s ), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send me:_Money (Cash) Amount:__ Food (Cookies) Dozens:__ Clean clothes! Relationships:_What?_I am in love with myself._I am in love!_I am engaged._I got married last weekend. My Roommate:_Worships the ground I walk on._Gave me a black eye._Committed suicide and left a note blaming me._Has fleas. My Professors are:_Sadistic water walkers._Mental institution escapees._Brain dead nerds._Super oxygen thieves. Latest News:_I wrecked the car._I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit._You are going to have a grandchild._False alarm ...

... A Dog's Letters to God Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we dogs sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells ...

... Christmas Humor What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle Who sings" Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?" Rude" olph What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet What reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws The ...

... use the communication devices that populate my life. Lyrics to songs I really don ’ t like stay on a loop in my skull, and goofy theme songs from those “ ask your doctor ” commercials burrow like brain badgers into my mental synapses and refuse to be dislodged. (Thanks so much to the makers of those Viva Viagra commercials !) Yet I can go to the grocery store and draw a blank when I try to remember what I needed. My kids have lovingly suggested that my warranty must have expired, while I have just as lovingly disowned them. Don ’ t worry about them, though, because I ’ ve already forgotten I did that. The lowest blow came recently when I was shopping at a store that offers a “ senior discount ” to those 50 and over. Now, it is against my religion to disclose my age, but let ’ s just say that I am a LONG WAY from 50, at least ...

... but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that. is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries ...

... For Lexophiles (lovers of words) A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) Time flies like an arrow-Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine ...

... Why I Love Mom Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said," I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed" She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! The Grill General We are now deeply embroiled in the grilling season, and the gentle man who promised to love me for better or for worse has once again morphed into the General Patton of the barbecue set, a tyrant with tongs who must not be questioned. Grilling, after all, is a man ’ s job. As everyone knows, only a Y guy – one of those brave bearers of the Y chromosome also known as men – can possibly tame the open flame. After 20 years of marriage, I ’ ve come to expect this annual transformation. The man who won ’ t touch the stovetop in our kitchen for fear that it might infuse him with estrogen becomes overnight an expert on cooking in the great outdoors, where only testosterone is allowed to roam free. Woe to the woman who tries to tell him how to grill. Even though I know this, I ...

... Baby Talk What your baby would tell you if he could talk: I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer. There's no point in teaching me to say" mama" or" dada" My first word is going to be" hat" I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. ...

... person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God replied," An arm and a leg" Then Adam asked," What can I get for a rib ?" The rest is history. [Author unknown-from Denial] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Brain Transplant In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber." I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news ," he said as he surveyed the worried faces." The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves" The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked," Well, how much does a brain cost ?" The doctor quickly responded, "$ 5, 000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain" The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A ...

... got up this morning I brewed regular coffee, even though I usually drink an entire pot of decaf. My body, deprived of its usual dose of bad fat, began craving Aunt Liddy's bacon-and-cheese sauce on toast. But I didn't care. I wasn't hungry, I was full of energy! I drank more coffee and took a shower, singing several songs that I made up on the spot, like" Uh-Oh, There's No Soap" and" Showerhead, I Love Thee" I'm actually a talented songwriter! Then I put in a call to the White House, outlining my plan for how to keep America on the right track this century, which basically was" Put Bruce Cameron in Charge of Everything" I didn't actually reach the President but the person who answered must have been taking notes on what I said because she kept begging me to slow down. Eventually she asked me if there was another language in which I would feel more ...

... He was very angry." Didn't I tell you NOT to eat that fruit ?" God, the" First Parent" asked?" Uh huh ," Adam replied." Then why DID you do it ?" God asked exasperatedly." I dunno ," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they ignore it, don't be to hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling His children, what makes you think you can do better than Him? [Author unknown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... A Terrible Illness Just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed, however now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and couldn't. I call it the" But First Syndrome" You know, it's like when I decide to do the laundry, I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry. BUT FIRST, I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack. BUT FIRST, I'll look through that pile of mail ...

... gifts that were utterly useless to her: a power drill and a pair of bright red thong underwear. When she opened them, she said very little. Feeling a bit guilty, I waited for the inevitable return. Nothing happened. After a few days, unable to stand it any longer, I paid her a visit. She opened the door holding the power drill, and before I could speak, she revved it up for my benefit. “ I just love this !” she yelled over the whirring of the drill. “ I ’ ve been tightening screws all over the house. It makes me feel so secure !” I managed, in my shock, to ask her about the thong. Surely, that would be returned. She smiled shyly. “ I know it ’ s naughty, but I ’ m wearing it now. It makes me feel just like Mammy in her red petticoat in Gone With The Wind ” I didn ...

... programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. And God said-It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User-Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered-God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we ...

... the first eight seconds of a phone conversation, it is possible for children to go into the refrigerator, stuff an entire box of raisins up their nose, eat all of the expensive cheese, and hog-tie the cat with the jumprope. Trying to dress a toddler in a hurry is more difficult than stuffing a giant octopus into a loose mesh bag. On Giving: It's possible to make a gift out of a shoebox, scotchtape, and aluminum foil. Grandparents will love a gift made out of a shoebox, scotch tape, and aluminum foil. Any toy that requires assembly will never look like the picture on the box. Any toy that requires assembly will never be as fun to play with as the box. Food: Red Popsicles and yellow Kool-Aid will make an orange stain on white silk blouse. Nothing will get peanut butter out of the VCR. Be suspicious of any food that comes in blue. Organization: No matter how many ...

... —" The Tell-Tale Heart" — in which the narrator is driven mad by the sound of a beating heart. I wondered if I faced a similar fate — my sanity assailed by the incessant squeaking caused by a tell-tale hamster. I set aside a shoe box to be used for a quick burial and began to look forward to the day the sun would set on our rat-like pet. Alas, though, the rodent lives on. And my daughter for some reason loves it. So I will bide my time and invest in some earplugs. But I'm saving that shoe box.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. ...

... A Lesson Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted," Good Morning, Mr. Crow" Mr. Crow shouted back down," Good Morning Mr. Rabbit" Mr. Rabbit shouted up," Whatcha doin ' today ?" and the answer shouted back down was," Absolutely nothin ' Mr. Rabbit-Absolutely nothin ' and loving it" Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up," Do you think I could do that too ?" Mr. Crow shouted back down," I don't see why not !" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In less than 30 minutes a fox came along and ate the rabbit. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but ONLY if you ...

... Sally and Andy No one believes seniors; everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally ' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: fifty-thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back ' Sally said, 'Finders keepers ' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked ...

... do not have e-mail addresses. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. You get an extra phone line (or a ADSL / cable modem) so you can get phone calls. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) You're using a computer to read this list. Even worse; you're going to email this list to someone else. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... did you get that black eye? How did you get those bruises on your arms? And what about that cut over your other eye? Did you have some kind of accident ?" I said, interrupting his story." It all happened Sunday morning, when we were seated at the table with Liz and Kevin and a young couple on their honeymoon. We were all enjoying having a nice breakfast together." The young honeymoon couple were looking at each other with love in their eyes, when the new husband turned to his bride and asks: 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar?. We all smiled and Suzie had that look on her face, you know the, 'isn't that romantic ' look women get? Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey ' Suzie gave a big sigh and smiled as she looked at me. Then the last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to ...

... Without one fault or smear, For goodness sake! Don't join that church; You'd spoil the atmosphere. If you should find the perfect church Where all anxieties cease Then pass it by, lest joining it You'd mar the masterpiece. If you should find the perfect church Then don't you ever dare, To tread upon such holy ground; You'd be a misfit there. But since no perfect church exists Made of imperfect men, Then let's cease looking for that church And love the church we're in. Of course, it's not a perfect church, That's simple to discern But you and I and all of us Could cause the tide to turn. What fools we are to flee our post In that unfruitful search To find at last where problems loom God proudly builds His church. So let's keep working in our church Until the resurrection. And then we each will join that church Without an imperfection. [Mavis Williams-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational ...

... The First Mom. The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says," I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd" He replies," Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you !" His mother replies," I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle. it's just too much trouble" He replies," Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you-it's my private jet !" To which she replies," Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all ...

... trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are*not*a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery ...

... prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said," I had a big house built for Mama" The second said," I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house" The third said," I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her" The fourth said," You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100, 000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it" The other brothers were impressed ...

... dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coërce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:" High ," and" Ultra High" Your daughter is" Ultra High" This means that ...

... coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully). An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide). I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning ...

... stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, fear not. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for," Bonsai !" or maybe," Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum !" The leap was ...

... an earth-type planet called" Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. How-ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex-perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him. [ ...

... This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'N Glop on your breath so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims," I love kitties ," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey," But you allow me on the table when company isn't here". Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or ...

... or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command" C :\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers / Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C :\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy-Silence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 ...

... sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers. The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly. After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts. That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10, 000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife." Oh ," she said." Well, ...

... would make your mother wash your mouth out with soap (if only she knew what you were saying ), there will no doubt be a dozen more. But I can think of a few other apps that someone should invent right away. For instance, I could certainly use a Teenager Tune Out Terminator app. This program would automatically shoot a high-pitched, impossible-to-ignore sound into the ears of certain adolescents who claim not to have heard me tell them something. And I would love to have a Chore Completion Assistant app that at my command would disable all the electronic devices that seem to prevent my kids from doing their chores. I ’ d also like to have a Bug Zapper app that could send out some kind of radioactive signal that would fry every creepy crawly or flying insect in my vicinity. And I wouldn ’ t mind having an app that would talk sense into me when I ’ m about to try on a bathing suit. I could ...

... history and character. I booked a night at a “ Victorian-era ” inn that described itself as quaint and picturesque. When I told my spouse where we were going, he looked doubtful. “ It ’ s quaint and picturesque ,” I pointed out. “ That means old and broken-down ,” he retorted, then added disparagingly. “ They probably don ’ t even have ESPN ” Wondering if I could possibly get that lucky, I was eager to arrive at our lacy love nest. When we pulled up to the house on a sleepy side street, my man expressed even greater doubts. “ It looks just like my grandmother ’ s old place. Are you sure you wouldn ’ t rather get a hotel room ?” Not on your life, you unromantic schlub, I was thinking. But I just shook my head as a smiling woman showed us up two creaky flights of stairs to our room at the top of the house. Room is ...

... thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.-After children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail. Before children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian Cookbook.-After children: I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hotline. Before children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.-After children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door. Before children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.-After children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes. Before children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.-After children: I am thankful for my wonderful family. [by Debbie Farmer (familydaze @home.com)-from ...

... enlarged ego. First, there is the fuss over folding. My towels have taken to appearing sans shape, even after being expertly folded by me. I know it was me because no one else in my family is apparently capable of the feat of folding. It ’ s a burden those of us born with greater abilities must bear. So I painstakingly fold the towels right out of the dryer. I give them crisp, comforting contours, and I place them lovingly on their assigned shelves. And how do these ungrateful bolts of blotting material repay my hard work? By running rampant in my linen closet. If I open the closet door, I ’ ll find towels in a tumultuous state, hanging like hoodlums off the shelf or brazenly bunched up in the corner. Towels that earlier were well-behaved are suddenly mingling with sheets and pillowcases on unauthorized shelves. As neither my children nor my husband avows any knowledge of how they got there, ...

... I emerge from the shampoo sink looking like a starved dog after a night in a thunderstorm. I hate these women. So I thought I ’ d found the ideal solution not long ago when I started going to a hairdresser who works solo. One chair. One customer at a time. No one to see my transformation from drowned, graying rat to frosted blond bombshell (OK, wishful thinking on my part). The problem is that my hairdresser – a lovely woman who lies so convincingly to me that I believe (at least temporarily) I really am a bombshell-is still operating in the styling stone age. To bring out my inner blonde, she insists on using The Cap. This is a tool that could very well have been found in a medieval torture chamber. The plastic cap, which is covered with small colored circles, is tied around my head. Then my heretofore humane hairdresser takes a crochet hook, digs ...

... aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say," I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive" If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that" THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes" Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say," Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ...

... Baseball in Heaven Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day." Sam ," says Moe," You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven" Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says," Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you" And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white ...

... needs a hug or a compliment everyday. Mint. to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family. Bubble Gum. to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. Pencil. to remind you to list your blessings every day. Tea Bag. to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings. This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day Wishing you 365 days of love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, warm feelings in your heart and soaring with the eagles. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... pick the modem To find solutions, on your site, And, once found, download 'em I calmly wait while DNS Looks up your URL, Until your server answers Your home page front door bell. I wait for frames to paint themselves, My solution to begin. And then, I wait for plug-ins So I can see your logo spin. I wait to get an audio file, Greetings from your CEO. He doesn't get the Internet. But, he loves the radio. I wait for a picture of Your building is on my screen And I realize there are things That should not be heard nor seen. Finally, there's a menu And I poise my mouse to click. But first, a Java applet!" Starting Java." I know that won't be quick. The menu choices indicate You know yourselves full well. You know all about your company And that's what you want to tell. But, where's the button ...

... forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me ?" The old Jew says," Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... What Women Want What women want in a man at age 22: Handsome Charming Financially successful A caring listener Witty In good shape Dresses with style Appreciates finer things Full of thoughtful surprises An imaginative, romantic lover What women want in a man at age 32: Nice looking (preferably with hair) Opens car doors, holds chairs Has enough money for a nice dinner Listens more than talks Laughs at my jokes Carries bags of groceries with ease Owns at least one tie Appreciates a good home-cooked meal Remembers birthdays and anniversaries Seeks romance at least once a week What women want in a man at age 42: Not too ugly (bald head is fine) Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car Works steady-splurges on dinner out occasionally Nods head when I'm talking Usually remembers punch lines of jokes Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture Wears a shirt that covers his stomach Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids Remembers to put the toilet ...

... What I Want in a Man What I Want in a Man-Original List (Age 22) Handsome Charming Financially successful A caring listener Witty In good shape Dresses with style Appreciates finer things Full of thoughtful surprises An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man-Revised List (Age 32) Nice looking-prefer hair on his head Opens car doors, holds chairs Has enough money for a nice dinner Listens more than talks Laughs at my jokes Carries bags of groceries with ease Owns at least one tie Appreciates a good home-cooked meal Remembers birthdays and anniversaries Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man-Revised List (Age 42) Not too ugly-bald head OK Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car Works steady-splurges on dinner on occasion Nods head when I'm talking Usually remembers punch lines of jokes Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture Wears a shirt that covers his stomach Knows not ...

... An Ounce Of Prevention Eggs'll give you fatty heart. Beef'll plug your veins. Booze'll make your liver hard. 'N give you kidney pains. Pop'll make our teeth rot out. Same with sweets and gum. Chocolate'll give you pimples which makes your love life glum. Coffee'll make you nervous. Beans'll give you gas. Pot'll curdle up your genes Or cook your pancreas. Snoose'll rot you lower lip Or make your teeth fall out. Drink some beer? Eat rich food? You're sure to get the gout. Smokes'll cause lung cancer. Cheese'll constipate. But prunes'll make you scour some And make your tum gyrate. Saccharin'll give you tumors. Cyclamates'll too Red dye'll stain your innards And give you Green Gomboo. Salt'll boost blood pressure up. Pepper makes you sneeze. Florides freckle up your teeth, And knobby-up your knees Pork'll give trichinosis Which makes your muscles balk. Rabbit'll" tootleream" you Or cause your jaws to lock. So ...

... to heaven" My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked," Where's Grandpa ?" I answered," He's in heaven" Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: If You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven ?" Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there, because there's a Dairy Queen (A Tesas Stop Sign, That Is) everywhere. Right? When Jenny was four, she asked," Does heaven have a floor ?" Surprised, I said," Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like ?" She looked up at the ...

... working too hard" Really means:" I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"" That's interesting, dear" Really means:" Are you still talking ?"" Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" Really means:" And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon"" I can't find it" Really means:" It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"" You know I could never love anyone else" Really means:" I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse"" You look terrific" Really means:" Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving"" I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" Really means:" No one will ever see us alive again" [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of the" tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history. The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia-to custom and the Norse myths:" It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day" This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss! [Author Unknown-Thomas S. Ellsworth (tellswor @slonet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Your Daily Dose of Inspiration. I can please only one person per day-today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain the way whales look? Am I getting smart with you? .How would you know? I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. Today my Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I have not yet begun to procrastinate. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. I'd ...

... instruction booklet on how to save money. from the electric company. Airline food starts to taste good. Your mother approves of the person you are dating. Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. Everyone loves your driver's license picture. Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate. and you live in Arizona. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you. The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. People ...

... That devil's bin a-temptin ' me Long as I bin alive, But I don't stop ta pick him up He always wants ta*drive *! Hey, I ain't got no mind ta cozy-up In Luxury's lap, I'd gladly gnaw my best arm off Ta keep me from that trap. That rich man 'n ' the camel's eye Strainin ' ta swaller a gnat, Old hags know more'n princesses~Yew kin*quote*me on that. Ain't had no luck with Love, folks Bin burnt until I smell, I shoulda read that ole church sign:" No Fire Exits in Hell !". 'N ' when God comes ta beam me up I pray I'm not too fat, When my time comes, I'm OUTTA here~Yew kin*quote*me on that. [by: Connie Hinnen Cook (cjcook @mynewroads.com)-from Connie Hinnen Cook] Inspirational Poems SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... walleye and drinking beer. The Devil is astonished," Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself" The two Michiganders reply," Vell, ya know, we don't get too much varm weather up dere in da UP, we've just got to have a fish fry when the veather's this nice" The Devil is absolutely furious; he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The Devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up ...

... parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. Before long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At ...

... doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned" buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily, and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake, Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks? I love being a woman (call me crazy) but" Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi more spiteful !!! And they say women are the" weaker sex" HA! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... I beg upon my dimpled knees, deliver me from jujube's. And when my days of trial are done, and my war with malted milk is won, Let me stand with Heavenly throng, In a shining robe-size 30 long. I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me, the virtues of lettuce and celery. Teach me the evil of mayonnaise, And of pasta a la Milanese and crisp-fried chicken from the South. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... I was caught in the heavy weekend traffic and she'll say," Why didn't you phone me before you left town ?" Then I'll say," What difference does it make anyway, I'm here !" And she'll say," Yes, and I'm here, too, and I've been here all day waiting to hear from you !" And I'll say," I suppose I haven't anything else to do but call you up every hour on the hour and make like a lovebird !" And she'll say," You mean like a wolf, but you wouldn't be calling me !" By this time, I am turning into the drive and I am plenty steamed up. As I jumped out and slammed the car door, my wife flung open the window upstairs." Okay !" I shouted up to her." Say it !"" I will ," she cooed softly." Want to borrow a jack ?" [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via ...

... get a trim and shave (assuming you are a man or a very hairy woman) in the real Floyd ’ s Barber Shop, where the real Andy got his hair cut before he moved to Hollywood and had to pay a lot more for it. Right beside Floyd ’ s is Opie ’ s Candy Store, a relative newcomer to the street. Opie ’ s Candy Store is a walk down memory lane that offers old-time goodies some of you more seasoned citizens loved when you were kids – things like Mary Janes, Squirrel Nut Zippers and Big Hunk candy bars. (Interestingly, Squirrel Nut Zippers is also the name of a jazz band, a fact known only by hip young whippersnappers such as myself) Opie ’ s also has many different kinds of chocolate. This is a good thing for children, and it ’ s an even better thing for women. Chocolate is to women what beer is to men. Chocolate is nature ’ ...

... set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4: 30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the lamb chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said," Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied," My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back ...

... give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5, 000 types of snakes and 4, 998 live in Georgia. There are 10, 000 types of spiders. All 10, 000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before. Squirrels will eat anything. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy. People actually grow, eat, and like okra!" Fixinto" is one word. (I'm fixinto go to the) There's no such thing ...

... have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil any more. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a" drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are. coffee before and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for" Coffee Provides Resuscitation" Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. [Author Unknown- ...

... Salesman and the Hunting Dog A salesman was transferred to another area. He loved to bird hunt and asked his associates if there was somewhere near by where he could hunt. One of the other salesman said there was a retired salesman who lived on a farm a few miles outside of town and, if you rented his dog, he guarantees you will get your limit. The next weekend, the salesman went to the farm and asked if he could rent the man's dog and hunt on his land." Sure" the retired salesman said." His name is Salesman. Call him Salesman and tell him what you want to hunt"" I feel stupid talking to a dog ," the salesman replied." Don't knock it until you try it" The man replied. The salesman took the dog out to a field and said" Salesman, I want to hunt pheasant" The dog promptly started flushing up pheasant after pheasant until he ...

... A Kiss College professors, by department, describe a kiss: COMPUTER SCIENCE" A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte" ALGEBRA" A kiss is two divided by nothing" PHYSICS" A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart" CHEMISTRY" A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts" ACCOUNTING" A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned" ECONOMICS" A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the supply" PHILOSOPHY" A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old" THEOLOGY" A kiss is divine" EARTH SCIENCES" A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often" PHARMACOLOGY" A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails you" LAW" A kiss is ...

... , but I was tired of passing by and seeing the dresser drawers hanging precariously out over the floor, somehow never falling completely out of their slots. The long-suffering dresser deserved better. I started with the sock drawer. I found socks there that were now only socks in the theoretical sense that they had once covered feet. I threw them all away. Then I moved on to the drawer containing the drawers. They were clearly my son ’ s way of paying loving tribute to his grandfather – every bit as holey and horrifying (to me, anyway) as the ones my dad is rumored to wear. Out they went. Then I went to the store and bought my son several packages of both of these basic building blocks of any man ’ s attire. I insisted on watching as he, with much grumbling, opened the crisp new undergarments and placed them in his newly organized dresser. They will probably be the same socks and ...

... saw it. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. How many times is it appropriate to say" What ?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year? There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little ...

... before entering the founding houses. Anyway, Ben the driver regaled us with the exploits of Ben Franklin, who even in old age was apparently quite a firecracker himself. As we ended our ride and got out of the carriage, who should arrive for the next ride but the brash boy from the flight, still wearing his hat and waving the flag. Naturally, there was only one thing to say as we passed him. “ Turbulence !” Franklin would probably have loved that kid.~Jackie Papandrew~2009, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2009, ( ...

... Walk to School Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the" big boys" He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little ...

... gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices. Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates. Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors. Heaven: Eternal. Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours. Heaven: Where old people go when they expire. Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire. Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God. Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone. Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God. Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers. Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin. Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint. Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully. Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices. Heaven: Sam Walton-now a resident! Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola- ...

... what to do! So if you really want a truly harmonious life, better watch what you say, to that woman who's your wife! But if you ARE a wife, and you have a good man. You better talk to him, just as nice as you can! Or he'll compress HIS mouth! Like he's cleaning a spoon! Next thing you know, HE will look like a prune! It's best you share a life, full of laughter and love, until we get home to Heaven above! Because if you're not careful, to always laugh through the ouches, you will both wind up just a couple of grouches! [by Dot Wilson-from 'Themestream '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful. 90 %of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53 %of us would take advice from Anne Landers. 28 %of us have skinnydipped. 14 %with the opposite sex. 51 %of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20 %of women consider their parents to be their best friends. 2 out of 5 have married their first love. The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. Only 4 %asked the parents ' approval for their bride's hand. 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. 6 %propose over the phone. 71 %can drive a stickshift car. 45 %of us consistantly follow the speed limit. 2 / 3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1 / 3 of us don't wear seat belts. 12 %of men never use their car blinkers. 44 ...

... as you'll pay me more ' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer"" His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies ' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume"" Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one"". asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security"" Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to ...

... roommate has locked you out of your room so he can be with his girlfriend, so you'll spend the night on a couch which smells as though it was once used as a place to cure salmon. Witness-Protection-Camp Vacation! After dying your hair and being given a pair of really dark sun glasses, you'll operate a small pet store in Gary, Indiana. Mother-in-Law-Camp Vacation! A self-improvement program like no other! Every single one of your faults will be discussed, in loving detail, while you do your best to practice non-violence. A chronology of your other half's former romances will be revealed, with helpful updates on their lives-every single one of them would apparently have been a better mate for your spouse, even the one on parole. Luxury-Airport-Camp Vacation! Spend the nights in a beautiful airport, having your flights delayed and canceled without ever being told why. You'll be issued a breakfast coupon for Nick's All-You-Can-Eat Tacos, though it will turn out that ...

... of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters" W.C" and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was" Wayside Chapel" The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a" W.C" with her room. Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a" W.C" is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while ...

... all the rules remain pretty much the same. Except for the ones that really have changed. For women, hard-wired for complexity, this convoluted courting process is no problem. For men, simple creatures who can ’ t faithfully follow a grocery list, this is a nightmare. These befuddled beings are caught, like the typically baffled Homer Simpson, between a rock and a hard place. And if, like my oldest child, they are newbies in the land of love and utterly unfamiliar with the world of women, they would often probably like to dive under that rock and pull the hard place down like a fortress around them. My son, the one who just yesterday was sleeping on Big Bird sheets, has a girlfriend for the first time. It ’ s a sweet, harmless little relationship, full of furtive phone calls and fierce feelings. And it ’ s dangerous territory for a boy who once spent a week impersonating the ultra-logical ...

... . We attended a hockey game. Call me a dork – my kids do – but I ’ m just not interested in watching sports unless my children are participating. My family, perhaps thinking they could redeem me, insisted I come along to the game and so I did, bringing a book with me to ward off certain boredom. If you are shaking your head at anyone nerdy enough to bring a book to a hockey game, you know just how my loved ones were feeling. If you are nodding your head in dweebish accord because you feel my pain, contact me later. We dorks need to circle the wagons and stick together. I arrived at the game knowing only one thing (thanks to Mr. Dangerfield) about hockey – that it tended to occasionally break out in the midst of a brawl. So I entered the arena primed for violence, my head down, my shoulders hunched, my beloved book clutched close in ...

... Life in Hypochandria I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema -invariably, I have all 14 symptoms. Like this: Public Service Announcer:" Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:" Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as pulsating colors or bird whistles ?" (Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny bend in one of his legs)" Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his lips ?" (Yes !)" Do you ...

... Country Doctor A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of the country. It looked perfect-with a nice comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor was asking a very affordable price." This looks great ," said the young doctor." I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice place with so few people to practice on." It's just simple common sense and a strong work ethic ," replied the older medico." For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the summertime at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic"" But that still doesn't explain this beautiful house and all the land you ...

... . After all the clerk has to be polite-but you don't have to. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's" 2-something" or" 3-something" The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... . You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition. Day 5:" Those Marvelous Morays" This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip! Your loyal and loving employees. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving son, Zeb P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.-Z. [Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. A child will always eat exactly what he or she has loved for the past year-unless it is the only food in the fridge. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... thought would be a quick quest for a trendy, yet timeless LBD. I started, naturally, with the size that I know fits me, the size that has fit me for years. But for some reason, the dresses in my size failed to flatter my figure. In fact, each terribly tight toga refused to go much past my knees! I was astounded, and then annoyed, as my size-zero, soon-to-be-disowned daughter snickered and rather cruelly implied that my love for a certain Italian dessert could have contributed to my size shrinkage problem: (“ Oh, tiramisu ,” she said mockingly, “ how could you ?”) My mom, trying to be helpful, began bringing me LBDs in larger sizes. I refused to try them on. “ That ’ s my size and I ’ m sticking to it !” I said heatedly, pointing to one of the discarded dresses. A warm flush of embarrassment began to spread over my face and threatened ...

... painted the room, where your computer is. hope you like the color! The church has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes. and I have a new job! Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again. next time. the power goes off!: )) Love, Your Husband [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Low Stress Golf A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied" I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it" The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first ...

... a variety of studly-smelling products so powerful I had to drive with the windows open. He even claimed to have combed his hair, although I saw little evidence of that. As we pulled into the school ’ s parking lot, he bolted from our vehicle before I even came to a complete stop, reminding me on his way out that under no circumstances was I to speak to him or in any way indicate that we might be related. The gym had been lovingly decorated by parents to resemble (in dim light) the legendary Kodak Theatre on the night of the Academy Awards. The girls, resplendent in their gowns, upswept hair and perfect makeup, entered on a red carpet, a disco ball throwing a rainbow of lights on their eager faces. They were followed by a less impressive group of sweaty, shaggy-haired boys-my son among them – shirt tails already sticking out, suit jackets already slouched over their shoulders. The boys ...

... bounce back. (It's more like Splat !) Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves. and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to" get jiggy with it" in midlife. jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Midlife is when your 1990's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream," Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think," For this I have stretch marks ?" Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself. and your chins follow suit. Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar. Midlife ...

... of debris closest to the closet door. Then I attempted to raise the other leg so I would find myself actually standing inside my closet. If I ’ d taken up yoga a year ago, as I had every intention of doing, I could have handled this simple feat of balance without any problem. Unfortunately, the only yoga position I ’ ve thus far mastered is the one where you lie on the floor with your eyes closed and breathe deeply. I love that position, and I ’ m extraordinarily good at it. But that position didn ’ t really help me in the closet when I fell over and landed on another mound of material – towels, toys, books, stuffed animals, vacuum cleaner parts, papers, puzzle pieces, sandals, a couple of squirt guns, and even, I noticed, Texas-sized dust bunnies. At least it broke my fall. I was lying there on the floor, hemmed in by ...

... before you continue reading. This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning. You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance. The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered:" Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the person of my dreams" [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... MOTHERS Real mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet. Real mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real mothers sometimes ask" why me ?" and get their answer when a little voice says," because I love you best" Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age: -My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 years of age: -Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either. 16 ...

... drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up. HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it. HUSBAND: 1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so. JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw. LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress. MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. MRS: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition. SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had ...

... when a man and woman become as one-the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook-but the law allows only one wife. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover-but again, the law allows only one husband. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Johnny P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? [Author Unknown-from 'JokeBank '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... " At 13 months, he was a sponge, joyfully soaking up new words, becoming more communicative every day. At 13 years, the hormones surging through his body have cut a swath through the speech center in his brain; his mouth, when it speaks at all, produces mere shrunken shreds of complete sentences apparently understood only by other members of his species." S'up" is a perfectly acceptable, all-purpose phrase in an adolescent's world." Mom, I love you ," on the other hand, would burn his monosyllabic lips like acid and permanently corrupt his coolness. Communication with this high-tech yet illiterate generation is fraught with frustration. My son, who can't seem to utter two intelligible sentences to me, airs his gripes through text messaging. Just the other day, a message flashed on my cell phone in fractured syntax designed to torture my English-major soul." i no u h8 me. i try so hard 2 b good. ...

... A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots. A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted. Am I the only person up my tree. sure seems like it. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples. Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree? FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records. Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it. Genealogists are time unravelers. Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide. I seek! Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people." Crazy" is a relative term in my family. A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor. I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand. I Should have asked them BEFORE they died! I think my ancestors had several" Bad heir ...

... would be a woman. God said," This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God said," An arm and a leg" Adam said," What can I get for just a rib ?" The rest is history. [Unknown-From: Dukend @aol.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Fried Chicken Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said," Fried chicken" She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you ...

... I wouldn't use one of those !" she said, as God came toward her with a let-go lever." Sure you will, though it's hard. This is a vital piece of equipment. Until this little lever is released, your children will not have room to grow properly, make their own decisions, or develop their own personalities"" I guess that is important" God stood back a few steps to appraise His work, then reached for a coat of love and wrapped it around her." Wear this at all times, and you'll be a good mother"" Am I ready now, God, to get on with the mothering bit ?"" You can go now ," God said gently." You're not perfect, but you will do" [Author Unknown-from mikeys-funnies-owner @youthspecialties.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing Everyone should play the same piece. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot! If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience. Take your time turning pages. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa). If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If ...

... the same time you are sharing a house with people who think they will live forever-people (and I use the word loosely) otherwise known as teenagers-Mother Nature begins to impress upon you the realization that you might not even make it into next week. Ma Nature, being a crotchety old lady with creaking joints, decides that your middle-aged self no longer has any business thinking like a jaunty juvenile. So, using forces like gravity and assisted by your love of things like gravy, she smites you with self-doubt. You suddenly notice that even your knees have wrinkles, that your tummy seems terminally tubby and, if you ’ re a woman, that your thighs seem to be swimming in cellulite. And as bad as your body looks on the outside, you begin to worry even more about what ’ s going on among your rapidly aging innards. Fortunately, you have plenty of reliable medical research to validate all your worries. ...

... best club for this fairway is the five iron" The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly. Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks," I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels" He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fair-way, he turns to his caddy and says," Which club do you think I ...

... . I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on the computer for a while. Clean out Tupperware cabinet. Uhhhh .that's a hard one. GOT IT! Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four. Mop kitchen floor The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. (He just loves rolling in the snow) Find something fun for the kids to do That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy. I'll have lots of time for the computer !! Vacuum the carpets. That's a hard one. Hey kids wanna have some more FUN !! Scratch seven. Feed kids lunch Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too? YESSSS !!!!!!!!! Scratch eight. Clean out hallway closet. Hmmmm another hard ...

... the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing really hard, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and found out that the weather would be bad all day. So, I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered," The weather out there is terrible" My loving wife of 5 years replied," Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ?" And that's how the fight started._My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said," I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds" So, I bought her a bathroom scale. And that's how the fight started. [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational ...

... how, just the other day, she had to pay $400 to bail him out of jail after he refused to sign a ticket given to him by a highway patrolman. Joe ’ s simple explanation: “ I didn ’ t do what he said I did ” That set off a merry round of Joe-centered Remember Whens – fueled by another round of adult beverages – in which my crazy cousin denied doing what we all knew he ’ d done. You gotta love Joe. At this point, many reunions degenerate into the third phase – church-state squabbling. True to form, my family began discussing religion and politics, and things got heated. First names of presidential candidates were tossed around as weapons-Hillary-Hater and Rudy-Retard, among others – and then someone brought the Good Lord into it. “ I ’ ll pray for you ,” said one on the right side of the political spectrum to one on the left. “ You need all ...

... Facts Of Life Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here." I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess ' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas! Sign In Pet Store:" Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea" Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age especially if ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! E-nnoyed By Emoticons As an English major and therefore (according to my teenage son) a certified weenie, I have a thing for punctuation. Commas make me jump with joy. Periods and parentheses provide pure pleasure. I can wax ecstatic over an exclamation mark. Semicolons, if inserted sensibly, are beautiful things to behold, while their cousins — the comely colons — leave me more in love than ever with language. (I heard that. You just called me a weenie) That's why my knickers have long been in a knot over a serious threat to the purity of punctuation. It is the insidious infection known as" emoticons ” If you've spent any time at all on a computer, you've no doubt seen them polluting e-mail and Web sites. Poor little punctuation marks — the workhorses of the written word — are being improperly pressed into service to convey emotion online. By combining ...

... If Guys Ruled The World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to" I love you" Hallmark would make" Sorry, what was your name again ?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Tanks would be far easier to rent. ...

... Flight Safety Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this" paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own words." I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like" what the heck ?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it" *** BEFORE TAKEOFF *** Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to ...

... you are not a resident of FLORIDA or never have lived in hot, humid south Florida, you may not understand the weight of this blessing! Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine While ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass Fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray. HOLD ON. there's more. YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN.... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the ...

... York medical building:" Mental Health Prevention Center" (WHO would want to prevent mental health ?) On a New York convalescent home:" For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church" On a Maine shop:" Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship" At a number of military bases:" Restricted to unauthorized personnel" (The sign should read" Unauthorized Personnel Restricted from access ") On a display of" I love you only" Valentines-" Available in multi-packs" In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:" Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work" In a funeral parlor:" Ask about our layaway plan" On a shopping mall marquee:" Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" In the window of an Oregon store:" Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here ?" In a Maine restaurant:" Open 7 days a ...

... break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one! (Ouch !) A singing group called" The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor changed the outside sign to read," The Resurrection is postponed" People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! When down in the mouth, remember Jonah; he came out all right! Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily. How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Nonsmoking? Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low ...

... as we walked along the trail. The sun was shining through the trees. The air was crisp, cool and dry. So dry, in fact, that I emptied my water bottle within the first couple of hours of the hike. And soon, I felt the need to answer nature ’ s call. Being a descendent of pioneers, I did not panic, even though we were a long way from the nearest toilet. I explained the situation to my loved ones and then went off the trail to find an appropriate place to do my business. Our campground was crowded, and I was concerned about other hikers coming down the trail. Each bush and tree I examined seemed either too short or too thin to provide the necessary coverage. But I finally found just the right spot, well hidden from the trail, and I proceeded to, as the English so colorfully say, spend a penny. What I failed to realize was ...

... Camping-part 1 It happens to all fathers eventually. You think your youngest child is innocent in the ways of the world, and then he comes up and asks you .well, you know. The QUESTION." Dad? Why can't we ever go camping ?" Normally I handle his requests for information with a very patient and caring" Ask your mother" Somehow I know, though, that this is one of those times only a dad will do. Lovingly, I place a warm hand on his shoulder and reply," My son, camping was made obsolete with the invention of the condominium"" But Dad ," he protests," The Johnsons camp all the time !" Johnson! That rat. You know the type. His Christmas decorations are never up past the middle of January. Every weekend he is out hammering, mowing, and painting, always whistling as he walks around with the list his wife prepared for him ...

... who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people" Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech." I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] ...

... Samuel Johnson" He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up"-Paul Keating" There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure" Jack E. Leonard" He has the attention span of a lightning bolt"-Robert Redford" They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge"-Thomas Brackett Reed" In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily"-Charles, Count Talleyrand" He loves nature in spite of what it did to him"-Forrest Tucker" Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it ?"-Mark Twain" His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"-Mae West" He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. for support rather than illumination"-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)" He has Van Gogh's ear for music"-Billy Wilder" I've had a perfectly wonderful ...

... Poem for Texans Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry, Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine, While ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass Fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please-Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In Texas, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for INSECT SPRAY !! [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Plumber's Pants The plumbers are finally taking their pants back, and I couldn't be happier. It seems the fashion world is raising its standards just a tad, moving away from low-rise jeans, the cause of countless sightings of" muffin tops" (that very attractive fat that bulges over the waistline ), girl love handles and whale tails (also known as thongs). I know this because I am an avid follower of fashion. (NOT !) Actually, I follow fashion about as often as a politician tells the truth. But every once in a while, I am seized by a desire to look slightly less frumpy. Usually, I just lie down and wait for this unfortunate urge to pass. But occasionally, I go to the mall and buy something stylish. That's what happened last fall, and dozens of football fans are still in therapy trying to get over the sight. ...

... Pocket Taser This was wrtten by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a" pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket / purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. ...

... space can totally move you to tears. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the USA. Unlike back home, the guy at 8: 30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. You can't remember. is pot illegal? It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:" STORM WATCH" (I love this one !!) You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. HEY !!!! Is pot illegal ???? Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. The Terminator is your governor. If you drive illegally, they take away your driver's license. If you're in the USA illegally, ...

... her out, her self esteem is bruised. Number 3's a lawyer and she took 9's case for gratis. 8 and 6 agree with 9 and want class action status. 10 approached me yesterday .could she live on her own? She's found a job but needs a car .would I co-sign a loan? I've been told that number 1 revealed in therapy that she has several egos too, and one of them is me. Number 5 just cracks me up. I love her sense of humor. 3 tells me that 5 is gay, but 8 says that's just rumor. The strangest one is number 2. I think her brain is fried. She's always playing with her guns and speaks of homicide. I've talked about each one of them with my psychiatrist. They won't come to his office so he thinks they don't exist. He says that I'm just paranoid and schizophrenic too. But they all think that he's a quack who doesn't have ...

... was a Scoutmaster for 25 years and never missed Sunday school for 50 years" St. Peter says," Good, that will give you another 2 points" Now the man is beginning to show the first signs of deep agony." Well, I have tithed my GROSS income, not" net" like many others on the Session. I have never declared bankruptcy and I have always paid my bills on time. I've been a good father and an ardent lover to my wife. So there" St. Peter says" Good for you. That will give you another three points for a total of six. The man is sweating and on the verge of serious arguing. Finally he collapses in the arms of St. Peter with the words," I guess I'll just have to throw myself on the mercy of God. St. Peter, calmly replies," That will give you an additional 1000 points. Welcome to the ...

... Bumper Stickers To Ponder If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You Jesus Loves You-The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Forget World Peace-Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! Hang Up And Drive! Where There's A Will. I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Is Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind-It's Backed-Up On Disk Somewhere [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say," I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive" If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that" THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes" Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say," Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ...

... want. If we learn from our mistakes, I'm getting a fantastic education. His ignorance was encyclopedic. Don't hesitate to give out advice-it passes time, and nobody will notice it anyhow. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. There is nothing as permanent as a temporary worker. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done. (Consultant's creed) No one is funnier than people who take themselves too seriously. Love your enemies in case your business acquaintances turn out to be a bunch of bastards. I've made so many lateral moves in my company, I'm beside myself. There are moments when everything goes well-don't be frightened, it won't last. They always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait ' My cup's been run over. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Church if. when the pastor says," I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering ," five guys and two women stand up. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because" It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it !) You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. the choir is known as the" OK Chorale". You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. people think" rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. the baptismal pool is a #2 ...

... sister. After a while he asked:" Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk ?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said," If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six" STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight." I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window" BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:" How does it know it's me? SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice ...

... ," How does it work ?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks," How much will it cost ?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks," Do you want fries with that ?" Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.-Dave Barry I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.-A. Whitney Brown A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.-William James Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.-Andrew Tannenbaum We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it-and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. ...

... , “ I see varmints eating them and they're okay ” So Janet decided to give ‘ em a try. She picked a bunch, took them back up to the house, cleaned and cut them up, and included them in a mushroom gravy she made – for her fancy mushroom covered steaks. To make sure the wild mushrooms were safe to eat, Janet decided to give Ol ’ spot (the yard dog) a bowl of the mushroom gravy. The dog loved the wild mushrooms, and he appeared to be fine all day long. Reassured, Janet went ahead and served the steaks with her homemade wild mushroom gravy. All the guests enjoyed the dinner and raved about how good the mushroom covered steaks tasted. Janet was pleased and felt good about all the money she saved by using the wild mushrooms. So she could be part of the group fun, Janet had hired a 17-year-old neighbor girl too clean-up after dinner and do the dishes ...

... Catholic Horses. Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, until he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the next race. Low and behold, this horse-a-very long shot-won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses paced, and blessed the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a bee-line for the window and placed a small bet on the horse, even though it was another long shot. The horse the priest had blessed won the race! Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the next race. The priest showed, ...

... for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5, 000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150. George thinks for some time and answers," I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do" The Consul, after hearing this, says" You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price"" No, it's not! that ," says George." You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the" Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to ...

... Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found By Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17, 000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy Arson Suspect ...

... Mom's Definitions MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look" like a tramp" MAYBE: No. MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa." MOMMMMMMM !": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. MUSH: What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and / or doll clothing. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of ...

... , let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed. By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled. Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe. Love, Your Mom [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the house. Bring your husbands. Don't let worry kill you-let the church help. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time." Wise Up, O Men of God" Easter Sunday, we will have a 9: 30 worship service. The 11: 00 will be hell as usual. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say" hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7: 00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Tonight's sermon-" What is hell ?" Come early and listen to our ...

... aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee. That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time. In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them," Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven" [Author Unknown-from Al Ashman] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... MY GOSH WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !" Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh, GOSH, it's the pies! They're all black right down to the shell! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... come from you. Spam offers drugs to make me stronger, Or make some part of me grow longer. So, when a joke or tale you see, Please, please don ’ t hit that forward key. Instead, why don ’ t you drop a line? How are your kids? Is your life fine? How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I ’ d love to read it – long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [by: Mary Egido, Copyright 2006-from Mike's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... once again singing the song. “ On top of spaghetti ,” I warbled, “ all covered with cheese …” The baby stopped crying and looked at me in amazement. My own kids covered their ears as if in pain. “ Mom !” they protested. “ What are you doing ?” “ Don ’ t you remember me singing this song with you ?” I asked them, crestfallen that they didn ’ t seem to recall those happy days. “ You used to love it ” My daughter tossed her head in disgust, the way only a teenage girl can. “ There is absolutely no way ,” she said, “ that I ever liked a song as stupid as that ” Saucy kid. I may have to go sneeze in her spaghetti.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream ...

... "" I CAN'T FIND IT" Means:" It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"" WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME ?" Means:" What did you catch me at ?"" I HEARD YOU" Means:" I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me"" YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means:" I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse"" YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Means:" Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving"" I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE" Means:" No one will ever see us alive again" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are*not*a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in ...

... Child's Cowboy Boots The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help, and she quickly found out why he needed it. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said," Teacher, they're on the wrong feet" She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced," These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than scream at ...

... was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on giving. The choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn:" Jesus Paid It All" By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the Choir Director selected:" I Love To Tell The Story" There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in:" Why Not Tonight" Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist:" What A Friend We Have In Jesus" [ ...

... get got. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin ' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin ' it back in. If you get to thinkin ' you're a person of some influence, try orderin ' somebody else's dog around. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hsdowd @telus.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... They've been camping in my bathroom since early Christmas Eve. They're eating everything in sight and sleeping in my bed. I been sacked out in the basement with my beagle, Fred. The relatives have all gone out and left their screaming brats. The toilet bowl is all plugged up and I can't find the cat. It's Christmastime at my house, the relatives are here. They eat me out of house and home. and drink up all my beer. I love the decorations, and the sleigh bells in the snow But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go. Those cookie crunchers fed the dog a twenty pound rib roast. His feet are sticking in the air like skinny old fence posts. Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys. They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys My mother-in-law is snoring in my favorite TV chair. Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling ...

... , she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. College and High School Football is as important here as the Cavs and the Knicks, and more fun to watch. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards-it spooks the fish. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1 ...