... no use two people remembering the same thing. UNDERSTANDING WOMEN: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman-before marriage and after marriage. WHAT A WOMAN WANTS: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it. LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. HAPPINESS ... To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... all the Fourth of July barbecues to come, “ Give me good potato salad or give me death !” OK, I made that last part up. Franklin actually reminded his fellow signers that the cantankerous King George III would not be happy with their declaration." We must all hang together ,” Franklin famously said “ or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately" Good old Ben, always throwing a wet blanket on the festivities. Our guide described the turmoil swirling ... that day and feeling about as cranky as the king, so I was royally perturbed when this young firecracker sat directly behind me on the plane. Sure enough, shortly into the flight, he exploded. “ Turbulence !” he yelled happily, making everyone jump in their seats. His tired-looking mother tried to shush him, but a few minutes later, he did it again. “ Turbulence !” I turned around and gave him my most severe maternal look, which he ignored ...

... their leers, jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care. I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while. I'm happy to be here, I am, I am. I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam. I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores. I love my job and I'll say it ... , I even love these friendly men: These men who've come to visit today, In lovely white coats to take me away! [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to commemorate the event. Sadly, the unexpected jolt caused me to drop my book, and it tumbled from the nosebleed seats down on to a frenzied fan below, knocking his beer out of his hand. If you are a happy hockey enthusiast whose team has just scored a goal, you are going to want to drink your adult beverage in celebration, not have it spilled all over your seat by runaway Russian literature. The fan picked up my sodden book and looked ... snatch it and begin reading. Surprisingly, we made it to our seats in the front row of the appropriately named “ nosebleed ” section without incident. I looked around at the enthusiastic crowd, many of them wearing team jerseys and happily drinking adult beverages. No one else appeared to be holding a book. When the game began, the fans started screaming encouragement to their players and heaping insults – most of which involved allegations of insufficient manhood-on the opposing team. ...

... any work around here / I'm not your slave" look and either sigh, scowl or cry. But keep in mind that when it comes to Mom, kids hate sighing, scowling and crying. That's their job and they're not happy when someone else does it better than they do. Keep it low-key. Say something like," I don't expect you to actually help out, for crying out loud, but the least you can do is put the cleaning stuff away ... , washing the dishes, mopping the floor or cleaning the toilet. Call me lazy, but doing something unpleasant that must be repeated the next day (and every single day after that) doesn't inspire me to greater heights of hygienic happiness. So, after years of conscientious study, I've come up with some sure-fire avoidance techniques. It's Saturday morning and from all indications, you should be cleaning your house about now. Let's face it; it could use it. It's ...

... Holidays-Human Resources Director December 1st TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols .feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our" Holiday Party" The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no ...

... Two guys from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan die and wake up in Hell. The next day the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them," What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you ?" The two guys reply," Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Michigan, the land and of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know" The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The Devil asks them again," Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that ?" Again the two guys reply," Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from nordern Michigan, the land ...

... Make The Woman Happy How to take care of your woman.... In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+ 1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+ 5) In the rain (+ 8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+ 5) You pummel it with an ...

... Marriage Definitions BACHELOR: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie. BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat. GENTLEMAN: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to ...

... check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me," Paper or Plastic ?" I just say," Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual" Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look." Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored"~Earl Nightingale~[ Author Unknown-from Helen and Hart Dowd (http :// occupytillicome.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's" mouth ," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development. As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time. Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply," hey, YOU cooked it" Now, before you men out there become too smug ...

... 1909, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool. Today, he'll get a digital organizer. In 1909, fathers said," A man's home is his castle" Today, they say," Welcome to the money pit" In 1909," a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today," a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO. In 1909, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table. Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's. In 1909, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then. Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools. In 1909, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt," Dad, you're invading my space" In ...

... kids, they don't even read," I fumed." Well, they had all heard of Dave Barry ," he pointed out." This whole experiment is suspect ," I grumbled, reading: When the fish heard the Dave Barry tape, they swam about in an amused fashion. When they heard Cameron, however, they seemed depressed." Wait a minute !" I exploded." What do you mean, they were 'depressed ?"" They just didn't seem happy"" They're fish !" I shouted." What do they have to be happy about ?"" We just got them a new bubbler"" I want to hear this tape ," I fumed. My son dutifully retrieved his recorder and turned it on. His voice could be heard working his way rather dispassionately through one of my columns, reading in what I would call a monotone. Then he started in on Dave Barry, and he began giggling." Aha !" ...

... blessing. Being the daughter of a hair-challenged HIM, however, can be a curse if – like me-you are unfortunate enough to have inherited his calamitous coif. And if-like me-you have a mother with thick, beautiful, bouncy hair who dropped the genetic ball, so to speak, at your conception and allowed your father ’ s lackluster gene to beat her healthy-hair gene to the punch, you may have enough Oedipal issues to keep any therapist happy (and wealthy). Personally, I plan on skipping the shrink ’ s couch, though, and eventually just taking the matter up with the Creator himself. In the meantime, I have to confess I understand why all those wealthy divorcees demand thousands monthly in alimony for personal upkeep. If I could, I ’ d spend that much on my hair alone-perms, cuts and coloring, along with expensive styling products with French names that will surely make my hair ...

... wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards"-Benjamin Franklin" Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost-she may have got him"" A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer"-Ronald Colman" Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you, after marriage they are, 'let's eat out"" By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher"-Socrates" A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older? '"" It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it"" The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator"-Bill Lawrence" The ...

... 12 Ways to Reduce Your Counseling Load Not every pastor enjoys counseling. But other than by skipping town, how can you decrease the demand? Here, based on specious clinical research, are a dozen methods guaranteed to keep counseling off your to-do list. Don't put a door on your office. Sing songs such as" Put On a Happy Face" and" Don't Worry; Be Happy" to counselees. Step out of the office and start laughing uproariously. Tell the counselee that although you can't figure out a solution to the problem, you'll bring it up in the sermon on Sunday and see if anybody has any ideas. Casually catch up on your reading while counselees bare their deepest problems. Tell the counselee you are videotaping the session for replay on the local cable program: Candid Clergy. Put a bumper sticker on your car:" I'd rather not be counseling" Refer them to a helpful article in your favorite professional journal: ...

... will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comments I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5: 00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer ...

... , a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible, and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads." None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account ' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers! '" See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven." Does that answer your question, son ?" And he said," Not really, Dad" And I said," No ?" And he said," No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago ?". [Author Unknown- ...

... Crying One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man," Why are you crying, my son ?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy. As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked," Why are you crying my son ?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy. Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked," Why are you crying, my son ?" The man said," Lord I work for the public school system". and the Lord sat down and cried with him! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ...

... And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important"" You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times"" You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God"" Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway"" If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can"" ...

... a clip-on teddy bear with the price tag still on it after I ’ d given him a beautifully wrapped cashmere sweater. I ’ m more mellow in these matters now. Really, those things just don ’ t bother me anymore. (Joe, wherever you are, I want that sweater back) So my heart hurts a little as I watch my boy trying to navigate the treacherous rapids of romance. Like most males, he really wants to make his lady happy. But just like that hopeless romantic Sigmund Freud, my son often finds himself asking the age-old question: What do women want? And like Freud, he doesn ’ t have a clue. Just before V-Day, I found him sitting on his bed, staring forlornly into his dog-eared wallet. “ I hate Valentine ’ s Day !,” he groaned. “ Every guy hates Valentine ’ s Day. If you don ’ t have a girl, you ’ re miserable. ...

... His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before;" Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is SO great !". The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation." Wow !" exclaimed the boy happily," God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in only 10-inches of water !" Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5 (NIV)" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author Unknown-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... I returned. It was also her duty to make sure no renegade chickens were accompanying me back to her yard. We had kept rabbits for years and one in particular had become a pet. He was a little golden lop eared sweetheart named Flower. The rabbits lived in their custom made village at the back of our property and every now and then, Flower hopped out of the coop and came visiting. Becky would announce his presence to me in loud, hysterical happy yaps and the chase was on. Round and round we'd go. Becky chasing Flower, me chasing Becky, my husband sitting on the back porch shaking his head. Flower would weave through the landscape like a pro. Under the bushes and around the trees they'd go till with gasping breath, I would join my husband on the porch to watch the usual outcome. Becky always tired first and would sit her self down in the middle of the yard, yapping merrily, ...

... , only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called" Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. How-ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex-perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't ...

... if the band has been playing so loudly they've set their instruments on fire. This is why I've put an exhaust fan in your room with the on / off switch in mine. Of course, there is a more simple way to handle this: You're of legal age, now, you could just move out. I suppose it's inevitable that you're going to be doing so anyway. And then these rules will be unnecessary. Yet somehow I don't think I'll be happier; after nearly two decades of living with you, I sort of like having you around.~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... man elderly! It could happen to anyone !" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere ...

... Sooners did well, all would be right with the universe, and my papa and his pals would be bursting with pride. If they did not do well, if they fumbled and failed, a deathly pall would hang over the house, and each man would have to find his own way to deal with his distress. On the day of that granddaddy of all games for the diehard Sooner fan – OU versus Texas – my father and his mates would do a happy little dance around the room every time their team scored, and they ’ d sing a mockingly modified version of the Texas fight song that ended with a rather rude suggestion involving biting and backsides. But if, by some terrible tragedy, the loathsome Longhorns won the game, there would be great weeping and gnashing of teeth, along with an increased consumption of beer to drown their Sooner sorrows. One of my dad ’ s friends actually once punched a hole in the wall ...

... rabbit." Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you really are sick in the head, you might have something contagious ," the wolf opined." Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions" So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked," What's up? You seem to be very happy"" Yup, I just finished my dissertation"" Congratulations! What is it about ?"" It is titled 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves"" Are you sure? That doesn't sound right"" Oh yes, you should come over and read it for yourself" So they went together to the rabbit's hole. As they went in, the friend saw a typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer ...

... " Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it ?"-Mark Twain" His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"-Mae West" He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. for support rather than illumination"-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)" He has Van Gogh's ear for music"-Billy Wilder" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it"-Groucho Marx" Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go"-Oscar Wilde [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Plumber's Pants The plumbers are finally taking their pants back, and I couldn't be happier. It seems the fashion world is raising its standards just a tad, moving away from low-rise jeans, the cause of countless sightings of" muffin tops" (that very attractive fat that bulges over the waistline ), girl love handles and whale tails (also known as thongs). I know this because I am an avid follower of fashion. (NOT !) Actually, I follow fashion about as often as a politician tells the truth. But every once in a while, I am seized by a desire to look slightly less frumpy. Usually, I just lie down and wait for this unfortunate urge to pass. But occasionally, I go to the mall and buy something stylish. That's what happened last fall, and dozens of football fans are still in therapy trying to get over the sight. ...

... In keeping with the team theme, the cheerleaders wore outfits that looked just like pirate eye patches – except that pirate patches cover more skin. My fellow fans rated each cheerleader on whether she was “ hot ” or merely lukewarm, and debated which ones should be given the privilege of dating the manly men behind me. I felt sorry for the ladies who were denied such an honor. In the end, the Buccaneers did indeed beat the Packers. The Bucs fans happily went home singing yo-ho songs, and even the cheese heads didn ’ t seem too upset. Maybe that ’ s because cheese does for them what chocolate does for me – makes everything better. I was amazed to realize that I had a great time. I didn ’ t even miss my book.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets ...

... , always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark-a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark. LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in ...

... , and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church"" Fine job, Peter !" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand." You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you" Turning to Paul, he asked" And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week ?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied ," Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected" The reverend responded," That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you" Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said," And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week ?" Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. ...

... Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness"" That Witch Doctor of Love I consulted was a fraud"" What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads ?"" I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck"" I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation"" Why aren't you thin ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... an emergency executive decree. During a patriotic speech he defends this decision, claiming" the evil doers are just looking for any opportunity to show up at your dinner table" This Thanksgiving take a real good look at your relatives. and report any suspicious behavior to the CIA, FBI or your local police. who cares if it's grandma. it's your duty as an American. Editor: This page is only humor folks... enjoy, and have a very Happy Thanksgiving. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven ," says the senator." I'm sorry but we have our rules" And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell. The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug ...

... arrived in town, people began to point and say," Look The big red one! Isn't he someone famous? Santa thought," Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want" So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat." No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else !" he thought happily. As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say," Look! It's that famous Christmas personality !" Santa rushed around a corner to hide." It's my beard !" he thought." They recognize me because of my long white beard !" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off." I really look like everybody else now !" Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his ...

... being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers. The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly. After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts. That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10, 000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife." Oh ," she ...

... Think you're having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, like in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric coffee pot. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with her son's baseball bat, breaking his arm in two places. Up until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. STILL think you're having a bad day? There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled ...

... Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness"" That Witch Doctor of Love I consulted was a fraud"" What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads ?"" I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck"" I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation"" Why aren't you thin ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. You can train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... When I'm an Old Lady When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness. just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture.? wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or ...

... " Surprised, she looked at me and said," Still ?" I know what heaven is like, because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born. Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed," God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: If You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven ?" Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there, because there's a Dairy Queen (A Tesas Stop Sign, That Is) everywhere. Right? When Jenny was four, she asked," Does heaven have a floor ?" Surprised, I said," Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like ?" She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied," Well, I can't see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers !" I told nine-year-old Heather that ...

... kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !! I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky. With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees. HAPPY EATING TO ALL! PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE! [Author Unknown-from 'ColoradoComments ' (www.ColoradoComments.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other. [Bruce Fischer-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... seamstress replied," No" The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble" Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied," No" The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble." Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied," Yes" The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying ?"" Oh Lord, my husband has! fallen into the water !" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson." Is this your husband ?" the Lord asked." Yes ," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious ...

... , slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath," Pray !" The parrot said nothing." Pray, parrot! You can pray. do it now while everybody's looking at you !" The parrot said nothing. After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home. very disgusted, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him." You miserable bird. you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah. why? Why did you do this to me ?"" Don't be stupid ," the parrot replied." Think of the odds on Yom Kippur !" [Author Unknown- ...

... You know you're in Arizona when. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent. You notice your car overheating before you drive it. You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You see more irrigation water flowing down the street than there is in the Salt River. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. You can say 115 degrees without fainting. You have to go to a fake beach for fake waves. You quickly discover (in July) that it only takes two fingers to drive your car. You can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in the microwave. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco ...

... do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.-Pericles (430 B.C) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.-Gerald Ford No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.-Mark Twain Talk is cheap. except when Congress does it.-Anonymous The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-Ronald Reagan The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.-Winston Churchill There is no distinctly native American criminal class. save Congress.-Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-Herbert Spencer The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is ...

... sheepshead are. You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception. You know that there is no ' r ' in Wausau. You know at least a half dozen Ole and Lena jokes. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike. Your bank has the name of your town included in its name. You were happy to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday. You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving. You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm. You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign. You get irritated at sports announcers that pronounce it" Wes-con-sin". You own at least one cheese head. You immediately think of fishing when you hear the name" Shakespeare". You spent more on beer than ...

... . It doesn't attract butterflies, birds or bees-only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there ?"" Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn"" The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy"" Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week"" They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay ?"" Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags"" They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it ?"" No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to have it hauled away" ...

... Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished ' I won't have a cookie-not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! Diet ?? Did I say 'Diet ?? What Diet !?? (heh hehe) [Author Unknown-from Rita, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... did you get to be so beautiful? SHE-I must've been given your share. HE-Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE-Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE-Your face must turn a few heads. SHE-And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE-Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE-Okay, get out. HE-I think I could make you very happy. SHE-Why? Are you leaving? HE-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE-Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE-Can I have your name? SHE-Why? Don't you already have one? HE-Shall we go see a movie? SHE-I've already seen it. HE-Where have you been all my life? SHE-Hiding from you. HE-Haven't ...

... cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery / ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together, she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change-but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in ...

... Thoughts of a Wandering Mind I had amnesia once-or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. I am neither for nor against apathy. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses side-saddle. What is a" free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. One nice thing about egotists .they don't talk about other people. My weight is perfect for my height .which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected living's popularity. How can there ...

... The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires." Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied," No" The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble." Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied," Yes" The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her," Why are you crying ?"" Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river !" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Brad Pitt." Is this your husband ?" the Lord asked." Yes ," cried the seamstress ...

... The Pills I Take A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, so big and bright, Stop my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know. Is what tells each one where to go. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... The Photographer Cometh The walls throughout our house are decorated with portraits of our family sitting together, smiling and serene. These photographs have the same dubious pedigree as snapshots of flying saucers -a more realistic picture would depict my daughters screaming at each other and my son spilling his milk. News that a professional photographer was coming to our house for yet another installment in this documentary series of Happy Moments Which Never Really Happened did not seem to register with anyone until suddenly one Saturday morning my wife proclaimed that" the photographer will be here in less than two hours"" What ?" my older daughter demanded, outraged." Why didn't you tell me ?"" I did tell you. I wrote it on the calendar, and I mentioned it to you on Monday"" Monday? How am I supposed to remember something from Monday ?" My younger daughter was also vexed." I can't. I have to meet Lyndsey at the mall"" ...

... name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by" my thingy blew up" Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. When you get a message saying" Are you sure ?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of ...

... Oh, To Be A Kid Again Decisions were made by saying" eeny-meeny-miney-mo" Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming," Do over !"" Race issue ," meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in" Monopoly" Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three" best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when Dad would" remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the" big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities ...

... much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -Pericles (430 B.C) No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866) Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. (Unknown) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. -Mark Twain What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.- ...

... to tee off from the 14th hole. Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered," How do you thaw a fresh turkey ?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed. Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the" Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips. Happy Thanksgiving, President Obama! A Southern woman called to comment," On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't" (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m, Central Standard Time) Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how ...

... tone, “ you get yourself back on the trail this minute or you ’ ll be hearing from me, mister ” Navajo / Napoleon, of course, completely ignored her until the wrangler approached. Then he ambled along for about a minute before once again heading for the grass. This is how the whole ride went – RIP kept refusing to move in the face of my most gallant giddyups and Navajo / Napoleon, despite being the beneficiary of expert educational methods, happily noshed on every blade of grass within reach. Our two-hour ride had stretched to three by the time we returned to the stables. The overworked wranglers were grumpy, but I was proud of both myself and my mother. Maybe we weren ’ t up to John Wayne ’ s standards. But we ’ d managed to stay astride our stubborn steeds. And that, Pilgrim, is true grit.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor ...

... expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said," Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied," My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Hark, what light through yonder window breaks? Time to get up !” My kids covered their heads with their pillows and moaned. “ Mom, you are so weird !” my daughter said. “ No one cares about Shakespeare! He didn ’ t even have his own TV show !” The illogic of this statement left me so stunned I momentarily forgot about the to-do lists. And before I knew it, the time-management urge had passed. Now, I ’ m happily back to being floating flotsam. I ’ ve also gotten over William and moved on to quoting yet another witty Brit – Simon Cowell. “ If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon ” I say to my crew with true Cowell attitude. At least he has a TV show.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of ...

... you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User-Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer-Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... ? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... possibly fly through the air? A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too? Q: Why do reindeer have red noses? A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either). Q: Why do we wish people a" Merry Christmas" instead of a" Happy Christmas "? A: The two are about the same, but with" Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes. Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a" live Christmas tree ?" A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life. Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper? A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly ...

... much time selecting just the right name for each child? Do you find yourself saying to your child," Sure, I know where you left your cookie" It's on the long white horizontal surface in the kitchen. you know, the one with the thing we cook with on one end and the thing we put stuff into keep it cold on the other end? Um. there's a sink in it ?" Do you tell people on the phone that you'll be happy to take a message, just as soon as you find a" message-writing-down thingamabob ?" In fact, do all the nouns in your vocabulary, nouns which have been your friends and companions since you were two years old, suddenly become" thingies" when you are under pressure? You may be suffering from deficient noun disease. Deficient noun disease, or DND, is a common affliction among mothers of small children (older children too). While not a dangerous illness, ...

... . “ You could milk the cows, since you like to get up early anyway. I could pick crops and stuff like that ” This from a kid who can ’ t even pick her socks up off the floor. This conversation got me thinking about children and chores and TV shows that leave me chewing my own figurative cud while I wallow in maternal guilt. It was so easy for Ma Walton and Ma Ingalls to do everything right. Their children did chores happily, ecstatic at being able to contribute to the family. I know this was true because I saw it for myself, right there on the TV. No wonder Ma Walton and Ma Ingalls were always smiling and baking and making quilts. They had so much more time on their hands. Ma Papandrew, on the other hand, hasn ’ t been quite so successful in getting her young ’ uns to cooperate. It ’ s not like I haven ’ t tried. ...

... was jumping up and down and pulling on my elbow, that it was too late." Hey, Mom ," he said." Can I try? Pleeeeease ?" I considered telling him all about the mysterious force and the flashing lights and loud music and all that, but I knew he wouldn't understand." Well, OK ," I said." One try" After all, I told myself, I was a good mother and wanted my child to be happy. Besides, what were the chances of a person who had just learned how to aim into the toilet accurately, hitting a target the size of a quarter with a water pistol? Imagine my surprise, then, when he came in second place. So, naturally he wanted to try again. And again. And again. By his fifth turn I finally worked up the courage to do what any smart parent would've done after the first try: I told him it ...

... Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated ):" Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale" Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear their noise and smell the aroma of all sorts of food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of" allergies" Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774-I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. [Author unknown-from 'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor ...

... a recipe I call" Some Kind of Chicken" I set my fork down with a sigh and answer, resolved that if it is a sales call, I'm going to hang up." I've got very good news for you ," a woman greets me. My pulse quickens; I've been expecting a call like this from the Nobel-Prize committee for some time." Really ?"" You've been pre-approved for a $5000-credit-limit American Dog Club credit card ," she informs me happily." Ah. Well, that is good news, but no thanks"" Couldn't you use an extra $5000 ?" she wants to know, sounding hurt." Well sure, but the problem is, you credit-card people always seem to want your money back ," I explain." But this is a very, very special credit card ," she reports." It has a picture of a dog on it"" A dog"" Yes !" she exults ...

... dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work; And he took all my sin, and then turned with a jerk." It is finished ," he said. Death he willingly chose, Then GLORY TO GOD, from the grave He arose !!! Dad sprang from his bed, shouting what Christmas gives." It's not all the gifts, but that Jesus now LIVES !" So you'll hear them exclaim, on their next Christmas night, Happy Christmas to all, WHO WILL KEEP CHRISTMAS RIGHT !!! Addendum-PROPHESY FULFILLED-Isaiah 7: 14"... The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel" Several HUNDRED years later... Matthew 1: 23" The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, 'God with us" I hope you all have a" ...

... can handle the job ?"" Quite sure .with help. I'm always available when you need me"" I'm glad to know that. What could I possible need all these for ?"" A certain amount of pain, so that you will be fully equipped to sympathize with and minister to the needs of your children when they feel pain; tears, so that you will be able to cry with them when they are hurt; and laughter to blend with theirs for happy times" The mother-in-waiting fidgeted while God attached yes and no buttons." Wouldn't it be nicer just to say yes to my children all the time ?"" Definitely not. Good mothers need to say no -and often. Say it with kindness and they will respect you for it"" Have you equipped me with this thing called kindness, Lord ?"" I have indeed"" And what about respect? Do I have to respect my children ?"" Absolutely" The ...

... you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here." I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess ' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas! Sign In Pet Store:" Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea" Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age especially if you take them while driving. When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. If G~d had intended for man to ...

... the walls Swallowing my pride Passing the buck Throwing my weight around Dragging my heels Pushing my luck Making mountains out of molehills Hitting the nail on the head Wading through paperwork Bending over backwards Jumping on the bandwagon Balancing the books Running around in circles Eating crow Tooting my own horn Climbing the ladder of success Pulling out the stops Adding fuel to the fire Opening a can of worms Putting my foot in my mouth Starting the ball rolling Going over the edge Picking up the pieces Happy Exercising!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. He has less going on upstairs than a one story house. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning ...

... Restaurant commercial singing," Give that fillet O'fish, Give me that fish" Officially, he's known as Big Mouth Billy Bass. The animatronic singing toy was a popular gag gift item about ten years ago. Made of plastic stretched over a mechanical frame, at first glance it closely resembles a mounted trophy fish. A product of Gemmy Industries, Billy turns his head outwards, wiggles on its trophy plaque and sings kitschy songs, such as" Don't Worry, Be Happy" and" Take Me To The River" I share all of this to share a story I encountered on a discussion group recently. Unfortunately, I lost the address link. It seems a lady on the group and her husband had gotten a Billy Bass as a gag gift at a Christmas party many years ago. While they'd had a lot of fun with Billy, he was, well, quite honesty, getting on their nerves. Still, there was some fondness ...

... in walks one of my neighbors. This wouldn ’ t have bothered me too much except for the fact that this neighbor has the audacity to be a man. Men should not be permitted to walk into salons when women are there being beautified. If I was single and allowed to notice such things, I ’ d tell you that this neighbor is a fine looking man, with very nice hair that was apparently in need of a cut. As I ’ m happily married (and my husband will eventually read this column ), I ’ ll just tell you that I was beyond mortified to have this particular person see me looking like Phyllis Diller on acid. My handsome neighbor is probably still trying to recover from what he saw that day. I haven ’ t been able to look him in the eye since then. And I ’ m considering going natural, forsaking my quest to be comely and giving Pig Pen a run for his money ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Age Before Beauty Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.~Mark Twain Now that spring has sprung, it ’ s time for women of a certain age and with an uncertain waistline – women whose bodies have been happily hibernating all winter-to torment themselves by thinking about the approach of yet another season of swimsuit exposure. I saw this torment on the face of a friend of mine not long ago when she stopped by for a cup of coffee. We lamented the increasing force of gravity on our various body parts. “ My thighs have fallen below my knees ,” my friend said glumly, “ and you don ’ t even want to know about my other falling objects. My husband has threatened to trade me in for a newer model ” Through no fault of our own, we have somehow reached that age where things are ...

... All I Need to Know about Life I learned from the Easter Bunny! Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages. The grass is greener in someone else's basket. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. [Author Unknown-from Merry-Hearts, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (www.gcfl.net / archive.php? funny = 1255)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... About Mothers & Images of Mothers ABOUT MOTHERS Real mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet. Real mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real mothers sometimes ask" why me ?" and get their answer when a little voice says," because I love you best" Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom. IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 years of age: -My mommy can do anything! 8 years of age: -My mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 years of age: -My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 years of age: -Naturally, ...

... , a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple ...

... it will give you a lift too. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off ...

... the box, I swallow my pride and actually read the directions, learning that what I'd assumed was a piece of roof is actually the driveway. This explains a lot. Five-thirty: Though my wife seems unhappy there are so many pieces of plastic left over, I'm done. I fall into bed and drop instantly to sleep, not moving until my children wake up fifteen minutes later." Santa brought us a Barbie Dream House with an outdoor kitchen !" they shriek happily. Merry Christmas. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2002-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... A Dog's Life" If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"-Unknown" Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant"-Unknown" Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies"-Gene Hill" In dog years, I'm dead"-Unknown" To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs"-Aldous Huxley" A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"-Robert Benchley" Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives"-Sue Murphy" I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves"-August Strindberg" No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation"-Fran Lebowitz ...

... . For a couple of hours, I stood in front of those blasted mirrors under those blinding lights and tried on suit after suit. Sadly, none of them met even my humble expectations. The tankini tanked as my flesh oozed out of its assigned areas. The maillot, despite its French connections, was a definite non. I squeezed into suits both black (which conveniently matched my mood) and colored, checked suits and some with polka-dots. Nothing made me happy. I struggled into a skirted floral number that made me look frighteningly like Hyacinth the Hippo. I wrapped myself in a striped sarong that was definitely not right. In the end, I left empty-handed, dubbing my quest a dismal failure. Now, I ’ m considering spending the summer in a burlap sack. First though, I ’ m going to pay another visit to that vixenish virtual me. Maybe I ’ ll feed her some Haagen-Dazs.~Jackie Papandrew 2007 ...

... , were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond." Bob is that you ?" Earl asked." Of course it's me ," Bob replied." This is unbelievable !" Earl exclaimed." So tell me, is there baseball in heaven ?"" Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first ?"" Tell me the good news first"" Well, the ...

... Christian couple that had an argument one morning before leaving for work. The wife couldn't get her dress zipped up in back, so she backed up to her husband and motioned for him to zip up her zipper. The husband was concerned about an important business meeting." I'll show you zipping ", he thought, and briskly whipped it up and down the slide till it broke. He had to cut her out of her favorite dress, which didn't exactly make her happy with him. They went their separate ways to work. Both boiling mad at each other. The wife did a slow-burn all day. When she got home that evening, she walked into the garage and saw two legs sticking out from under the car, and assumed her husband was under the car fixing something. She decided her moment of REVENGE had come. She leaned over, grabbed the pants zipper, and whipped it up and down several times. Satisfied, she ...

... as my grandpa would say, “ a far piece ” from our home. Sure enough, before the other side of the bed was even cold, I was presented with a doozy of a man-job, courtesy of our mangy mutt. I was going about my day, being highly productive in a non-sexist sort of way, when I looked out on our back patio and, to use another colorful phrase from Grandpa, nearly dropped my dentures. There was Ebony, happily chewing on what appeared to be the carcass of an animal that had no business being dead on my property. Upon further, horrified inspection, I discovered it was a rabbit – a headless rabbit – and that what remained of the head was actually hanging out of the mouth of our lovable family pet. You forget, sometimes, that dogs are not really that far removed from their wolf ancestors. You forget they aren ’ t just furry, four-legged humans who don ’ ...

... lost. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say," I think we should tune" Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have notes left over, please play them on the way home. A wrong note ...

... you cannot fail 70 %of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (. 300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency. In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read" Leave Me Alone" You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. Ladies are welcome players (except at the Masters) At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as ...

... computers in it's path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.... The" I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar. The" Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade. The" Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life. The" Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time. The" I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session. The" Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, ...

... Then she is finished. A little boy asked his father," Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" The father replied," I don't know son, I'm still paying" Young son:" Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad:" That happens in every country, son" Then there was a woman who said," I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late" Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy:" My wife's an angel !" Second guy:" You're lucky, mine's still alive" Women will ...

... she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said," I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son" He answered," That's okay"" I know it's silly, but if you'd call out..." Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy" She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out," Goodbye, Mom" The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, He went to pay for his groceries." That comes to $121.85 ," said the clerk." How come so much, I only bought 5 items ?" The clerk replied," ...

... into shape. When my neighbor returned, she found a scene in her back yard resembling a hotel after a rock band has stayed there. Patio furniture was knocked over, plants dug up and strewn about. Lucky was curled up dejectedly in a corner, looking like his good fortune had finally run out. Ebony, however, was strutting around triumphantly. She slept well that night, her tail slapping the floor as she wagged it in what was obviously a very happy dream. About a week later, she scored again in what my kids are now calling The Salmon Caper. I ’ d purchased some salmon fillet, and my husband had grilled it to perfection. There it sat, still sizzling, in a dish on the kitchen counter. And then, like fools, we turned our backs for just a moment. Ebony, an experienced counter surfer, sprang into action, evidently grabbing the salmon and inhaling it without even moving the ...

... butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, sir-just the ...

... close to Canada you can hardly tell the difference. We know the rules to euchre. Got fudge? Two Mystery Spots. No waiting. Yes, the Porcupines are real mountains. Soda? We say pop here, buddy. The Midwestern" M" state without a wrestler for governor. No riots since '67. More than just boarded-up auto plants. Casino fever-catch it. Home of Kalkaska dirt, our state soil. Sandy beaches without severe undertow. Happiness is a warm pasty. Imagine an island where horse manure still litters the streets. Water enough for any drought. Visit Hell, Paradise, and Climax. Birthplace of Meijer Thrifty Acres. Where Ontario is a shortcut to New York. Just a serial killer away from enacting capital punishment. Gerald Ford slept here. It's called snow. Get used to it. Where names of high-toned suburbs needlessly end with" e". Deer processing available here. Not as flat as ...

... in the morning. You have driven your car on the lake. Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. The local gas station sells live bait. At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant. You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday. You actually understand these jokes. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... joke 27 times without hollering" Nobody's Home" Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks" cookie" begins with" k" Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling can have the empty roll. to make a Mother's Day present. Knows the location of every drive-through window in town. Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard. Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie. Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler .visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn. Can cherish the 1, 000th bleating of" Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist. Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior. Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge. Knows all the verses to" This Old Man" Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter. Can find her last good pair of ...

... woman can deliver nine babies in one month. CLIENT is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. MARKETING MANAGER is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. RESOURCE OPTIMIZATION TEAM thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. DOCUMENTATION TEAM thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. QUALITY AUDITOR is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. TESTER is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. HUMAN RESOURCES is one or more people who think that a donkey can deliver a 'human baby ' if given 9 months. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... No Copyright Don't copyright me, share whatever glee you may find in my words-If I can get a laugh, even at my gaffes, I'll be happy someone heard. Few words flow fine in my twisted mind, fewer ready recollections-I forget what I say, even when I pray, the Lord has sent no rejections. I'd much rather talk than take a walk but both are good exercise-One from my mind, the other to unwind, my pleasure is also my prize. Though I like to gossip I'll not profit at another soul's expense-I find exciting, what others are writing, my mind agrees with their sense. Glee and laughter is what I'm after, no livelier trek is found. The world may feel I've nothing to spiel, I'll sneak in on the rebound. Have lots of fun, I'll just tag along to see how the words turn out. Words keep me busy, sometimes dizzy ...

... Emergencies ARE: 1. Dad has fallen off the roof. 2. Your brother and / or sister is bleeding. 3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house. Emergencies are NOT: 1. Dad has fallen asleep. 2. Someone on TV is bleeding. 3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house. One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed. By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled. Be good. ...

... before I knew it, I was once again singing the song. “ On top of spaghetti ,” I warbled, “ all covered with cheese …” The baby stopped crying and looked at me in amazement. My own kids covered their ears as if in pain. “ Mom !” they protested. “ What are you doing ?” “ Don ’ t you remember me singing this song with you ?” I asked them, crestfallen that they didn ’ t seem to recall those happy days. “ You used to love it ” My daughter tossed her head in disgust, the way only a teenage girl can. “ There is absolutely no way ,” she said, “ that I ever liked a song as stupid as that ” Saucy kid. I may have to go sneeze in her spaghetti.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children ...

... of a wasted life. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don't like my standards of cooking. lower your standards. You may touch the dust in this house. but please don't write in it! Apology: Although you'll find our house a mess. Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this-Some days it's even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen-just vending ...

... Great Sayings. You! Off my planet! If I throw a stick, will you leave? Do I look like a people person? Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. Therapy is expensive, poppin ' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others ...

... and with $15, 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him." Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15, 000. Take it or leave it" Jake abruptly makes his decision." OK ", he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away." Hey, wait a minute ", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station." Don't forget your batteries" [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... year, I ’ ve decided to embrace my gravy deficiency as an opportunity to develop my own character. I am not going to be grumpy about my gravy. I ’ m going to be thankful for all the things I take for granted. I ’ m going to remember that my life, even when lumpy, is pretty darn sweet. In fact, most of the time, I am definitely on the gravy train. I hope you are, too. Happy Thanksgiving.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008 (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted ...

... Surprises Being a Grandparent... She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye! ' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62 ' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1? ' After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room ...

... Grandchildren She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said," But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye !" My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him," 62" He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked," Did you start at 1 ?" After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with ...

... TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble. -Martin J, age 9 Philadelphia, PA Dear Mr. President: My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer before we are 18. -Ryan C, age 12 Philadelphia, PA Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. -Michael P, age 8 San Diego, CA [Author ...

... this place ?" the traveler asked." This is heaven ," was the answer." Well, that's confusing ," the traveler said." The man down the road said that was heaven, too"" Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell"" Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that ?"" No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind" [Source: Saint of Circumstance, via Phil Mitchell] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Illiterate Immigrant Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two O's. He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show ),... you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by." So vat's the problem ?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him." Perhaps nothing ," he said," but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks ...

... your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest" ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your" carpal tunnel syndrome" ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first to be incarcerated. ...

... a pi*ata, Tina suggests, that would be fun. Yeah, John agrees, especially if Dean is the pi*ata. The best polka band in all the world is right here in Boise, Uncle Lou exults. For your information if I eat raspberries I could die, John declares. I don't like raspberries either, Tina confesses. He just sits in his chair and tells me to turn up the heat, Aunt Liddy reports. I'd be happy to be toastmaster again, Uncle Lou offers. Please Bruce, Tina writes privately, don't let Uncle Lou have the microphone, last time he almost gave me brain damage. WILL PEOPLE WANT ICE CREAM WITH THEIR RASPBERRY PIE? (Uncle Lou, instead of a toastmaster this time let's just let people fight on their own) Well, I'm considered something of a wise man here in Boise, Uncle Lou responds. WHAT KIND OF ICE CREAM WILL EVERYONE WANT? YOUR FATHER ...

... it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with" Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?" Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then" Camille, age 10" No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married" Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?" Married people usually look happy to talk to other people" Eddie, age 6" You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids" Errick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?" Both don't want no more kids" Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?" Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something ...

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